I dreamt that I was way out in the ocean. I caught a wave and body surfed miles and miles into shore. When I got there, I announced my arrival and a woman told me, “That was me, praying you in.” And here I’d thought it was my ability surfing Divine love to safety that had driven me home.
I’m re-starting my memoir with a different focus—my relationship to my motherless self and how I’ve struggled with self-agency vs. wanting people to take care of me. How I have come to learn that self-agency is effective communication, is knowing my needs, expressing them clearly to others and letting go of the outcome. It’s about being responsible for my actions and not those of others.
That wave of protection—harnessing the power of the Divine by my own agency, got me safely to shore. And here was a woman praying for me, caring for me. She had gotten me to shore. And isn’t that what I have wanted all my life? Someone to protect me? Care for me? I was slightly disappointed to learn that it wasn’t my own ability to ride a long wave that had gotten me to safety, but another woman’s power.
I decided it didn’t matter. I was safe either way.