Reading old journals from twenty-four years ago, I’m humbled by my bad behavior and the poor choices I made in the past. For example, I once carpooled with another young mom. This was before cell phones. I was five minutes late picking up my daughter and her friend after gymnastics. Rather than wait for me, they called her mom to come get them. When I discovered the other mom was on her way, I was furious and embarrassed, and left the ten-year-old girl there all alone in front of the gymnastics building. I drove off, jittery with hunger and anxious to get home. Even my daughter knew what I was doing was wrong because she asked, “Shouldn’t we wait?”
“Couldn’t you have just waited five minutes?” the traumatized girl’s mother asked when I called later that evening to apologize.
I had been thinking only of my needs, not that little girl’s.
Having been raised by damaged and narcissistic parents, I became infected and a narcissist myself. As a teen who left home at age fifteen with my parents’ blessings, I learned at an early age how to fend for myself and think only of my needs, no one else’s.
I was used to manipulating people to get what I wanted
It wasn’t until I turned nineteen and a mom invited me to live with her family for the summer between graduating high school and entering college did I learn the meaning of consideration for others. And I did not like it. I was used to manipulating people to get what I wanted. Considering other people’s needs was inconvenient to say the least! It’s a wonder they put up with me. I am eternally grateful that they did. It was the beginning of an important education in how to live with others.
However, by the time I became a mom myself, I still had a long way to go towards being a responsible parent and adult and made many mistakes. During my years of therapy, I addressed the pain of parental abandonment and learned how to take better care of myself, and thus, how to care for others. I began to see how selfish I had been, but also to understand that my selfishness had been a coping mechanism.
I learned how to take better care of myself, and thus, how to care for others.
Decades have passed since those reckless parenting years. I will never be perfect, but now when I am rude or thoughtless, I usually know right away and can say I’m sorry or even avoid sticking my foot in my mouth.
I’m gratified looking through these old journals to see how much progress I’ve made. Today, I’m compassionate and considerate, eager to be of service to others. That old me, well, I have compassion for her. She didn’t know any better. And when she should have, like that time I drove away, she paid the price. That mom said, “I think I’ll drive my daughter myself from now on.” I completely understood. And was chagrined that I couldn’t even be a responsible carpool partner.
The ability to see my past faults, and present ones, and to forgive my parents brings me solace and peace. I send psychic amends to all those I have hurt in the past. Whether they forgive me doesn’t matter. What is most important is that I forgive myself.