Polly Hansen

I did not want to paint a picture of a cow. That’s what everyone else at our office holiday party was painting. Not because I’m not a team player; I am. That’s important to me. But you should never underestimate your talents. The thought of taking step-by-step direction from someone about what to paint when, where, and how made me bristle. So, I did something else.

Each canvas lined up on either side of the table had the same drawing of a cow wearing a Santa hat outlined in pencil. I took my seat and turned my pallet sideways, then upside down, trying to get that silly cow out of my head. What would I paint? I didn’t know, so I picked up my brush and started mixing colors.

We had a paper plate with daubs of six hues to choose from—burnt umber, black, white, red, brown, and dark green. No blue, so I was kind of stuck. But not entirely. I could still mix the burnt umber with the red for a reddish orange. Or mix the burnt umber with the green.

As soon as I started mixing and painting, I felt at ease. I hadn’t painted in years. The brush felt familiar and applying the paint strokes satisfying, but a twinge of guilt insisted that maybe I was missing out on the communal activity. But no. I was participating, just doing my own thing. No cooperation was necessary, so it was okay to be the renegade.

My colleagues dutifully followed the instructions while the professional led the class. I squinted at the fellow emerging on my canvas, green face, rosy cheeks, flaming orange hair. He needed a background. I love paintings with depth of field and perspective. They’re full of space and possibility. It puts the subject in context and creates a story.

Even though everyone else was following directions and painting the same thing, each rendition was slightly different from the next. Some were executed with greater skill than others. Two colleagues went rogue in their own fashion. Instead of painting white fur on Santa’s hat, one of my colleagues painted green fur and inscribed her kids’ names on the painting. Another painted an aqua colored hat and jacket. “To hang in my bathroom,” she said.

When my teammates saw my painting they said, “Polly went really rogue!” A young couple from another party walked around our table and when they saw mine, the woman’s face lit up. “I love this!”

I was quite pleased. “You can have it if you want.”

“I’ll pay you,” she said.

I felt flattered. “No, please, take it.”

My immediate supervisor smiled and hugged me around the shoulder. “See, never underestimate your talents.” I signed the painting and gave it to the woman.

Here I was afraid of being perceived by others as a rule-breaker instead of a team player, especially by the CEO. She was there too, painting her own Santa Cow. What if I gave her the impression that I can’t follow directions and don’t listen? It’s possible she thought nothing of the kind. By satisfying my creative urge and doing something different from the rest, I fulfilled someone’s dream of owning an original painting and not some copy she herself had painted that evening.

All too often I underestimate my talent, but I shouldn’t. My creative outpouring might make even just one person happy. Any happiness we can inspire in others is never a waste. I’m glad I went rogue. In so doing, I unveiled a little gem that brought joy to someone’s life.

Last week I spent two and a half days writing in a tiny cabin in the woods next to a small waterfall  at the foot of a mountain. The cabin had no internet or cell phone service. I was in writer heaven.

No scrolling through Twitter, no checking emails, no looking up other writers’ articles on the Internet. I got so much done and made a breakthrough in my memoir, reorganizing and cutting chapters I loved but that were not zeroed in on the theme. Being alone gave me the freedom to record myself reading chapters in a loud voice into the mic rather than lowering my voice as I do when my husband is around so as not to be overheard. I listened to the playback and made edits I could hear but not see on the page, chapter after chapter to my heart’s content.

It was a lesson in how easily I become distracted by engaging with social media.

After my fruitful time in the cabin, I vowed that before I tweet and read email I will write first. The consequence is that after a week of this practice, I’ve hardly participated on Twitter at all. Substack announcements from other writers, blog posts, published stories and essay links on social media—I’ve not read them, and I’ve deleted all but the most important emails from journals that piled up in an endless stream in my inbox. Yes, I’m more in tune with my own writing, which is what I want to be, hoping to produce words that will get published and connect with readers, but there’s this downside: I miss my writing community.

Benefits to this time alone in the woods

There were benefits to this time alone in the woods with nothing to do but write for 48 hours, but there were drawbacks as well, one being my obsessive tendencies and the inability to moderate them. Such an existence is not sustainable nor is it practical. That’s valuable information.

I realize now that I need to find a balance between writing with no distractions and living an engaged writer’s life on social media that is sustainable.

I vow to engage in social media and limit myself to reading one author linked story per day and responding to as many Tweets that a 10 minute scroll session allows. I’ll scroll three times a day. That’s it! I’ll let you know how it goes.

If you have a problem balancing your social media time and writing time, I’d love to hear what works for you!

When human cruelty and depravity depress me and fill me with hopelessness, I look to the mysteries of the Universe and feel awe, strength, and hope again.

This Sunday’s The New York Times Magazine features an issue all about Space—space junk, space exploration, space discoveries and miracles. Did you know that the Webb telescope discovered a 6,000-mile-long plume of water floating around in our solar system?

Water! In space! It’s the stuff of fantastic science fiction. You know what this means, right? That water—our human source of life—is out there, making long distance space travel plausible.

I read stuff like this and think of the destruction in Gaza—how Hamas attacked Israel, and now Israel seems bent on creating a holocaust of its own, and wonder: How can humans be capable of sublime creation and discovery of miracles, and in the same breath, be capable of the basest evil?

Because we are mirrors of the Divine—destruction and creation wrapped into one.

The Big Bang took place more than 13 billion years ago. This catastrophic event was the creation of all material existence. Earth was created by gas and dust forming round a young sun. Collisions of great violence of these masses created our planets. There was no intent; it just happened.

Is human violence of the same nature—a paradoxical act of creation? Except, we humans want to destroy. And therein lies the difference. We act with intent to smash the other into non-existence. So maybe in this way we do not mirror acts of divine creation.

A paradoxical act of creation?

What do we mirror then? How did we come to embody this hatefulness? Is our wish to destroy a desire for ultimate superiority? And once achieved, what would be the result? The ability to exist peaceably as one?

I doubt it. An “other” would arise from that sameness. Some individuals would think differently and evolve, attract followers, and become “other.” The cycle would repeat itself.

We are Sisyphus in our existence through and through.

Maybe God will let us destroy ourselves, but I think not. Not when we can be awed by the magnificence of wonder and mystery—the creation of the Universe.

And that is why, despite the bloodshed and inhumane acts of violence I witness every day in the news, I behold awe and wonder and hope in my heart. Existence is eternal, and we humans may yet evolve to comprehend our divinity and act accordingly.

My hope for us is not extinguished. Not yet. Maybe never.

Protection and strength, protection and strength, constancy, and miracles. These are the gifts bestowed on me by my four major spirit guides. They’re what I needed to survive my teenage years on the road without adult supervision.

And what I need today still. I consult my guides and they help me, support me, talk to me.

My other spirit guides (I have eight) provide balance and compassion, the blessing of sensual pleasure and rest, groundedness and reverence for Life on this ancient fertile Earth, and sacrifice through service to others.

Each quality comes into play at different times, comes to the fore as needed, though they hum along in the background at all times, ever ready.

Is there anything I need to accomplish?

Today in my meditation I received the message that my existence, my consciousness will never end, and if that is the case, how do I want to live on this Earth? What is it I want to accomplish? Is there anything I need to accomplish? The thought took the worry away over what I might do today—attend an online Zoom meeting with a human spiritual teacher and his followers, or make pancakes, clean up after myself, then dust and wipe the ceiling fan of grime that’s been an eyesore for weeks?

I did the later and feel spiritually fulfilled.

Now I’m out here on the patio on this magnificent Sunday morning in the cool breeze. Leaves scuttle across the yard and scratch the cement floor. My two black dogs are happily pacing. My husband is coughing up leaf dust in the driveway where he is raking and sweeping into yard bags. It is too hot to sit in the sun; not for me, but for my sensitive laptop.

It struck me today as I contemplated whether to join that spiritual session that people are so hungry for direction. We are hungry for answers about the mystery of us. Who am I? What am I? Am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? How could you not be because that’s where you are!

But what if you are stuck in a job you hate? What about that? Then that’s your path as well—an essential section of it. Perhaps there’s something you need to learn that you can only learn doing that job. Dig deep and see what is before you. Can you lean into it and discover what is at the heart of that experience? It will unfold for you, if not today, then maybe in the distant future when you will realize, finally, what that lesson was all about.

This moment is but a breath

You have Eternity to learn who you are. This moment is but a breath, a single star amongst trillions and trillions. Significant, important, meaningful. We all have meaningful lives. The Universe needs us, needs our tears and our questions, our angst and joy. Our love, our hatred—everything. We make this existence twirl in a lovely bath of creation that goes on and on and on.

Delight. That’s what life is, what creation is. Delight, joy, ecstasy, however it comes to us at this time. It is meaningful. You are meaningful and lovely and precious.

“I am free, playful and buoyant under Her tender glance and loving care.”

When I was little my sense of self was so great that when my sister told me I was a human being I stamped my foot and said I was not a human bean. I was a Polly. I knew in my marrow no matter how much she taunted me that spring day she was wrong.

We had climbed onto our front gate’s stone post to taste the honeysuckle. I picked the blossom and pinched its end, then pulled out the single stem with the gold head, pushing a tiny bead of clear nectar towards the narrow opening where I would catch it on my tongue. My sister and I nibbled away at a dozen or so flowers, comparing our harvest. I could tell the way the blossom resisted whether the drop would come out heavy and sweet or if the funnel end was too wide and the stalk would yield nothing.

Earlier, I had gazed into bright daffodils, filling myself in their glow, the delicate brown paper covering the root of the bloom like a napkin. The sky was blue and the air was crisp and I was in all of it, feeling the world with pleasure, as if all the world was alive for my enjoyment. I was the master of the world, complete in my sense of belonging.

My sister was the fool, telling me I was a human bean, but she was older and I was used to believing her, believing that she might be right and I wrong. But in this case I knew she was mistaken. I was a Polly through and through and nothing could change that ever.

Or so I thought.

The world had become a frightful place

It wasn’t too long after this exchange, no more than a year or so that my sense of self was shattered, only I wouldn’t remember the details of why until I was in my fifties. I forgot who Polly was and chose instead to hide. The world had become a frightful place full of barking dogs and forests of bewildering density and scope, dark spaces full of decay and rot, logs full of insects and spiders, puddles coated with slime. I was expected to walk through these woods to get to school for first grade after my sister and brother showed me the way.

Something had happened. Something I wouldn’t remember until nearly fifty years later. My sense of Polly was shattered. It was best not to know myself, to hide a part of myself because I would die if I remembered. A dear family friend who wasn’t so dear after all. My fear had become great.

Afraid of life, I hid.

Last week I was in San Antonio for a public speaking engagement. I was telling my life story to a group of people who have been adversely affected by someone else’s sexual behavior. Leading up to the talk, I worried that what I had to say was self-serving and egotistical and would help no one, fearful about how I would be received, that my story was too shameful.

That was egotistical of me. Why?

Because….

The event wasn’t about me!

The event was about people sharing and learning from one another. My being there was not about glorifying myself. It was about being of service. I understood that in hindsight with prayer and a change of attitude.

After my presentation several people congratulated me and said I’d done a great job. One attendee said, “That’s one of the best talks we’ve had for this event.”

I said, “Thank you,” but thought, Not the best? As if because there were other talks as good as mine, mine wasn’t good enough. Now, to me, that’s shameful.

I think it’s a matter of faith and habit. My Higher Power placed me in that room of damaged people because She knew I had something to say that could help them. How I helped was not up to me. How was in God’s hands. Several people came up to me afterwards and said, “That bit about [blank] I really related to,” or, “I’m so glad you said that because I thought I was the only one.”

Words take on meaning for the listener or reader

My presentation was about all the people in the room, not about me. And that’s what any speech or writing is about. An author’s words take on meaning for the listener or reader. That’s what makes the work valuable, not the author.

Now I realize that in my nervousness and self-doubt I was second-guessing God. In my journey as a writer and public speaker I hope never to second-guess God again. I am but a vessel, sharing my experience, strength, and hope. In the future, I shall perceive public speaking not as self-aggrandizement, but as an opportunity to do God’s will.

By waiting, and holding my tongue, I experienced good fortune. My husband recently invited me out to dinner with his colleagues. I turned him down. Not because I didn’t want to go. The date conflicted with my women’s group ritual. I’ve been a member of that group for 30 years, and, having moved out of state can longer attend in person. They were planning a hybrid meeting just for me, so I said no to my husband, but thanks.

It turned out that my friend hosting the ritual (lighting candles, honoring the four cardinal directions, speaking our spiritual truths) canceled. I forgot to tell my husband I was now free. While winding along the Blue Ridge Parkway above Asheville on our way towards a trailhead, he mentioned his dinner the following night. I perked up.

“I totally forgot,” I said. “Moon Group was canceled. I can go with you now.”

He looked irked. “It’s probably too late,” he said. His boss had already made the reservation, etc.

I thought to myself he could ask anyway couldn’t he? Certainly, one more in attendance wouldn’t be a huge inconvenience. But rather than suggest this I kept my peace.

I announced I needed a beak

We parked the car and huffed up the trail with our two black rescue dogs, surprised that at their advanced age they were doing better than we were. We hadn’t been out on a trail with them for a long while for a variety of reasons.

About a mile and a half in, huffing and puffing up wooden and stone steps built into the mountain curtesy of a conservation team, I announced I needed a break. While our pups lapped water from a doggie bag, my husband pulled out his cell phone. Thanks to towers even at 5,000+ feet he was able to leave a phone message.

“Hi Jenny. Is it too late to include my wife for dinner tomorrow night? Her event was canceled.”

I smiled at him. He smiled back. I figured he’d get there eventually. My telling him to call his boss would have irritated him and done nothing for my sense of wellbeing.

I like to think it was Higher Power’s way of taking care of me. I got what I wanted and needed most. Keeping ties with my old home group is important, but so is going out to dinner and meeting people here in my new hometown.

And my husband figured out his priorities on his own.

Me!

Our 40^th wedding anniversary celebration started with bickering. Was the entire weekend doomed?

My husband and I like each other and have a good time together, but during the long weekend celebration in Charleston, SC, I noticed we were bickering quite a bit. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I didn’t like the feel of this rancor and wanted to do something about it.

I was about to say, “We’re arguing with each other a lot.” Instead, and thankfully, at the last moment, I switched the focus to myself. “I notice I’m arguing with you a lot. I’m sorry about that. I’m going to try to do better.”

Bill said, “I was thinking the same thing about myself. I’m sorry too.”

The adage, “Let it begin with me,” had come to my rescue.

It took a while for each of us to adjust our attitudes before the mild bickering dissolved. Eventually we got back on track and enjoyed ourselves and each other’s company. The rest of the weekend went smoothly.

That slogan, “Let it begin with me,” is a good one.

Is my behavior completely irreproachable?

Anytime I’m feeling resentful or irritated with someone, I can take an emotional pause and reflect on my own behavior instead of someone else’s. Is my behavior completely irreproachable? If not, then I need to make an attitude adjustment and correct my ways. It keeps the focus on me, which is the only person I can change.

A dose of humility goes a long way towards harmony.

That’s a smart thing to remember because no one is perfect. And why would you want the burden of perfection anyway? Accepting my own faults makes it easier to forgive someone for having theirs.

We had a lovely 40th wedding anniversary celebration. As long as we each continue to treat ourselves and each other like this, I wouldn’t mind spending another 40 years together.

How to feel happy, solid, free-spirited, and grounded in the moment? Follow your heart’s impulses without judgement or hesitation and experience blessings, even simple ones. At a recent fundraiser, the speaker said, “Close your eyes. Think what you’re grateful for, then share it with the person sitting next to you.” I turned to the woman on my right and said, “I’m grateful for you.” It just slipped out. A perfect stranger. Her eyes teared up.

My sentiment was genuine. In that moment I was so grateful to be where I was, surrounded by committed, involved, caring people. In saying those spur-of-the-moment words, I felt connected to her on an intimate, vulnerable level. And, thankfully, I didn’t feel weird or self-conscious. I felt happy, solid, free-spirited, and grounded in the moment.

I felt connected to her on an intimate, vulnerable level

At evening’s end, she leaned over, squeezed my shoulder, and said, “Thank you. It was so wonderful to have met you.” I don’t know if we’ll ever meet again, but seeing as how we live in a relatively small town and seem to run in the same circles, I imagine we may. It’s sure to be a welcome encounter.

I love being taken by surprise by my own heart. That moment was such a gift to us both. When we allow Spirit to move through us we experience Grace–the unfolding of unexpected blessings.

Vulnerability is key to our intimacy, as is staying present and checking in with one another

And by the way, my husband, Bill, and I recently celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. He is still my best friend. We work at it. Vulnerability is key to our intimacy, as is staying present and checking in with one another. Sometimes, with work and other passions, we get distracted. It’s easy to become separated in our day-to-day lives. If either of us is not available when the other needs or wants our attention, we apologize, saying, “I can’t right now.” We make plans to pay attention or have fun together later. A round of rummy or a game of Scrabble, or a lingering conversation after dinner. These simple things bring us back together. As does white water rafting down the Nantahala!

Do you know how precious you are? If you’re like me, probably not. Or you sometimes forget. I barely know how precious I am. I catch glimpses of my precious heart once in a while. When I look sideways at myself from the corner of my eye and see a golden light that is so tender and sweet and me, then I remember and relax.

Banging my head on the wall day in day out when I want something badly, like a literary agent and a book deal, crying in frustration “Not enough!” is, I admit, a little embarrassing. God just laughs and says, “Oh Polly, you are too funny!”

Little peon me doesn’t know how bright and shiny she is. Bright and shiny, that’s me. And you too. But do we act like we believe this? No, we don’t. We whine and complain, saying, “I hate waiting! I hate trying! I hate persevering in the face of uncertainty!” Like an impatient, hungry, and angry kid who wants what she wants NOW!

I once waited 36 years for a dream to come true

Except, I once waited 36 years for a dream to come true—to move to the mountains. It was a long, long wait. While waiting I thought, if it’s meant to happen, it will. And it did. Same with my publishing dream. If it’s meant to come true, it will and my obsessing about it won’t make it happen any sooner.

So, my prayer today is, dear Lord, may I have the grace to be grateful for all that I have and all that I am learning. If it is meant to be, my publishing dream will come true. In the meantime, let me fully appreciate and enjoy with humility the dream that has already come true—my life here in the mountains, my good health, and my abundant blessings.