When I was 14, I fell in love with a 25-year-old man and became his lover. This relationship and its aftermath have colored my entire life. I felt so warped, isolated, different, and not normal. It took decades to recover and find self-love and trust in others, to want intimacy, and even believe intimacy was possible.
A mentally ill psychologist I later went to told me I was nasty because I thought sex was a sign of love. I would jump into bed with any man who looked at me. Because I didn’t want to be nasty anymore, I stopped jumping into bed with guys. Instead, I tried to be nice and likable. And I still wanted to be loved. But I didn’t know how to get people to like me without being flirty and manipulative.
I didn’t know and didn’t realize for years that love must come from the inside first.
It took me years to re-discover the self-love I once knew as a tiny child before other abuses occurred. But when I spotted the dim outline of that self-love, I nurtured it like a delicate seedling, and it has grown and flourished over the years.
At first, when I started this journey, my spirit was covered in filth and gnarly, calcified stone. But through therapy, journaling, spiritual retreats, prayer and meditation, and sharing my pain with others just as flawed as me, I chipped away at that armor. Did that hurt? Yes, like hell. But it has all been worth it.
Today, my spirit gleams pliant and radiant. I celebrate love for myself because, ultimately, that is Divine Love glowing in my heart. I am grateful to myself for taking the leap and saying, I cannot heal myself. I need Your help.
I have never regretted that decision, and decision it is to believe in a higher power greater than myself, to say yes to that existence of which we are all part. I am not alone. I am not separate. I am Yours.
May I be generous. May I cultivate integrity and respect. May I be patient and see the suffering of others. May I be energetic, steadfast, and wholehearted. May I cultivate a calm and inclusive mind and heart so I can compassionately serve all beings. May I nurture wisdom and impart the benefits of any insights I may have to others. --from Standing at the Edge by Joan Halifax, Buddhist teacher A.K.A. Roshi Joan