Category: Polly Hansen

I make mistakes. I will continue to make mistakes. That’s how I learn and grow. Making mistakes doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. But recently my actions upset someone so much that they considered backing out of the project we were working on together.

I admire this person greatly, so her impulse to quit hurt a great deal and triggered old messages — that I was a bad person — headstrong, impulsive, inconsiderate, rash, and immature. I spent hours a day second guessing myself, cringing at what I had done, wondering how I could fix the situation. How could I fix her opinion of me? And then wondering, was my mistake so terrible?

In the end, I realized that even if sometimes I am all those things and someone needs to rethink their relationship with me, that is their choice. It hurts and I am sorry for it, but my relationship with me matters most of all.

Before asking this person if she’d like to work with me on this project, I prayed about it, asking God if it was a good idea. I got the green light, so to speak. This whole situation has been a wonderful opportunity for me to learn that no matter how much someone else’s opinion of me or reaction to me may hurt, I must trust in my goodness. I hope I never again think such thoughts about myself — that I am bad.  It’s been a valuable lesson to realize I’m still capable of them, especially as I step into public life sharing my innermost thoughts here and in various publications.

I call on Athena and Archangel Michael to protect me from the arrow stings of others, and the inner barbs of my own heart and mind. I endeavor to be my own greatest friend.

In the end, all I could do was say to this person, “I’m sorry. Yes, I was anxious and perhaps I acted rashly. I will do my best not to let it happen again.” As it stands we’re still working on the project together, so I’m guessing that’s my answer. I have forgiven myself. Now I must forgive her for thinking she couldn’t bear to work with me. I pray for us both. We all make mistakes.

"The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well."

-- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Powerlessness is difficult to accept. We want to fix, manage, and control other people and situations. Or at least have answers and assurance that everything will be okay. Well, if I have faith and trust in my higher power, then everything will be okay because it already is, right? Does this mean that anxiety equals a lack of trust and faith in my higher power? No, but it does mean I haven’t surrendered yet.

Anxiety is being uncomfortable with uncertainty. Peace and serenity are the opposite — being comfortable with uncertainty.

I pray to be comfortable with uncertainty. I can’t control what other people think of me, nor can I control their actions and decisions. If I have harmed or offended someone unintentionally, I hope to make amends, but I cannot control the outcome. I can only do my best, pray to know God’s will for me and the power to carry that out.

“Today may there be peace within.
May I trust that I am exactly where I am meant to be.
May I not forget the infinite possibilities
  that are born of faith in myself and others.
May I use the gifts that I have received and
  pass on the love that has been given to me.
May I be content with myself just the way I am.
Let this knowledge settle into my bones, and
allow my soul the freedom to dance, praise and love.
It is here for each and every one of us”

--Saint Theresa

Though I have found self-love and self-confidence in my adult years, the initial perception of “difference” between me and another person occasionally causes me to flinch psychically and emotionally as it did when I was a child. My unconscious thinking goes something like this—I am so different that people will reject me and find my experiences, thoughts and opinions objectionable. It’s an old habitual thought, but the hint of that knee-jerk reaction yet lives, even if only as a ghost, spooking me.

Today, I know each person I encounter is a unique spiritual gift, teaching me spirit lessons I came here to learn this time around. The difference between me and someone else is something to celebrate rather than fear. I overcome the fear of difference by feeling it, allowing it, acknowledging it, examining it, and questioning it. I do not run away in fear of the other. I stand and face difference vulnerably and with trust. This is me. This is who I am. Because you are different from myself, you help me to know who I am by revealing to me who I am not. And perhaps you help me to know who I am because we are the same in many ways.

"To love is the greatest gift of all. I know this now. I understand it in a way I could not possibly have before. I want to demonstrate this understanding to those I know and to those who have helped me in other lives."

 "Your Soul's Gift" by Richard Schwartz, p. 162

There is so much sorrow and grief in the world. There always has been. What matters is how we live with it. Do we give up, throw in the towel and despair, or can we have hope in one another? Can we take solace in the beauty of the world, in Her majesty and splendor?

When I am unsure, I rest in the present moment and give thanks for all that I have – hands to write with, lungs to breathe with, a heart and soul with which to give thanks and praise.

That’s all I need to live with grace – gratefulness in the moment.

Prayer for Knowledge

I ask that the grace of Knowledge guide my thoughts and illuminate my awareness of all that transpires within the vast resources of my mind. Grant me the inner light to enter into a deeper knowledge of who I am and help me to listen to that still, small voice that is unlike any other, that I might recognize truth when it is being revealed to me.

-- Caroline Myss, Defy Gravity, p. 156

One of the things I’ve learned to do in my long marriage of 39 years is ignore my husband. Well, no, not ignore, because I pay attention a great deal. I guess what I mean is to not react to certain things he does or says.

Like the other night when we misunderstood one another as to who was preparing dinner.

So, when at ten minutes before seven I find him banging around in the kitchen and I asked what’s the matter? And he said I thought you were going to cook, I didn’t react. What I thought was H.A.L.T.—hungry, angry, lonely, tired. He was tired and hungry, having worked all day in the yard. I felt a little cringey on the edges, like wilting just a bit and realized I was hungry myself, which tends to make me irritable, and figured it was only a matter of getting food into both our systems.

When I didn’t react, he settled down, apologized and we had a civil and decent meal together.

I’ve learned to let go, to live and let live, to know when something is important and when something is not. My husband and I do common things differently. For example, we load the dishwasher differently. What does it matter if he loads a bowl one way and I do it another? I let it go.

When we were young, we made so many things important that weren’t. Today, we mind our own business, and the business that is ours together we don’t take so seriously. On a day-to-day basis, that sure makes getting along a lot easier.

Only with equanimity can we see that everything that comes into our circle has come to teach us what we need to know.

Pema Chödrön, Comfortable with Uncertainty, p. 62

Yesterday, my husband and I went on an impromptu hike up in the mountains. We came across a flock of monarch butterflies and one species I wasn’t familiar with, a kind of tiger butterfly in tawny spotted golds and browns. It was a shy butterfly and kept its distance, unlike the others that fed on flowers without a care for our presence. This shy one fluttered farther away as I approached until it disappeared and didn’t come back. I regretted disturbing her meal.

I was glad to be wearing my new, sturdy hiking boots on this rocky and sometimes muddy trail. We climbed to the top, and as we descended, we met a family of three, a mother, father, and a young boy climbing up the way we had just come. I noticed the father and mother were wearing flip-flops. At least the boy had on sneakers. I almost exclaimed aloud — you’re hiking in sandals? But I didn’t, thank goodness. My better angels stopped my tongue. As the family passed and I held my tongue, I thanked my wisdom in keeping my thoughts to myself. Instead, I prayed that none of them suffered a twisted ankle or stubbed toe and experienced nothing other than very dirty if perhaps sore feet at the end of the trail.

In the past, I would have said something, having not yet learned my manners. I am grateful for lessons learned. I am thankful I can mind my own business these days.

And I’m still sorry I scared away that butterfly.

Patience. It is difficult to practice it. We want what we want when we want it. Waiting squeezes our immature hearts. The fist of uncertainty complains that it wants answers, resolutions, compliance, and peace immediately.

But the practice of waiting is good for us. Waiting patiently for the changes that take time, waiting for the seed to grow, for the time to be right, for the pendulum to swing. You can’t force time. You can try, but it usually results in cracked bones, broken hearts, and skewed psyches.

I can patiently wait if I believe God has my best interests at heart. I can trust and have faith, saying, God’s got this. Trust Her timing. If the thing I am waiting for doesn’t come to fruition according to my dreams, I must accept God’s wisdom with grace, believing that my expectations were unhealthy. I can trust that whatever came to fruition was for my highest good, even disappointment. That’s difficult to swallow, difficult to accept, but when I do, I am more at peace with myself. I experience serenity.

The dictionary defines patience as: “the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.”

Without getting angry or upset. Wow, to have that grace and presence of mind. What serenity. What a gift I give to myself and those around me.

One day at a time, let me practice patience. For whatever I may be waiting to happen.

“Sometimes, emptiness is not vacancy, but rather a long gestation. Gestation by ego’s measure is often too long. But, by soul’s measure, the length of the waiting and making within, before what is being created shows on the outside, is ever just right.”

Clariss Pinkola Estés, “Untie the Strong Woman,” p. 33

My husband and I hug each other at least twice a day. Sometimes, if I get up before him, it might be afternoon before we’ll look at each other and say, I don’t think we’ve hugged yet! We fall into each other’s arms and stand there a while, stroking and swaying, nestling into one another and feeling safe and loved.

We haven’t always been like this. There was a time several years ago when I couldn’t bear for him to touch me. I was angry with him. Enraged, actually. I was envious of my son’s studio apartment and wanted one just like it, one where I could be alone and lick my wounds.

But when I thought about leaving Bill, I knew that’s not what I wanted. We bristled in each other’s company for a good long while, like a few years, before my feelings started to change. I realized I still loved him and did not want to live without him.

We learned how to be honest and vulnerable with one another. To let go of trying to control one another. To live and let live. To let go and let God.

Hugs with my husband are like vitamins. They make me feel stronger. Sure, there are moments when we don’t feel like hugging, so we don’t. Those moments are rare, but we honor them. And I think that’s why we grow into wanting them again because we respect ourselves individually and each other.

Hugs are a sign of trust and vulnerability. That’s what makes a marriage work. That’s what makes hugs deliciously revitalizing and sweet. I give you my tender parts, and I accept yours.

Hugs are like prayers. They remind us that we are not alone. Not isolated. Not abandoned. We are united in this world, heart and soul. I pray that you have someone to hug like that; if not, have faith that you will.

I have given each being a separate and unique way of seeing and knowing and saying that knowledge.

What seems wrong to you is right for him.

What is poison to one is honey to someone else….

Say whatever

and however your loving tells you to. Your sweet blasphemy

is the truest devotion. Through you a whole world

is freed.

— Rumi, from Moses and the Shepherd. “The Essential Rumi,” translated by Coleman Barks

I’m sorry to say that humankind’s cruelty got me down yesterday. Last night I couldn’t sleep thinking about it, crying over it, wanting out of this world, of this being human.

Then the sun rose, and I read about more cruelty in the paper and cried some more as I walked the hills. Clouds hovered low over the valley, filling it with a blanket of white as the misty mountains rose above it, soothing and cleansing my heart.

I came home, turned on classical music, and ate a bowl of cereal while listening to Bach.

I will soldier on, for that’s what we have always done. The Book of Genesis, written and compiled nearly three, perhaps four thousand years ago, is full of stories about the cruelty of humankind. We have always been thus. This violence is nothing new. I had hoped we were past all that, but we are not. And so, I accept my fate as a flawed human being and continue to rely on God’s love and guidance, for without it, we, I, are/am utterly lost.

Is that what this world is for—a proving ground over which we must rise like mountain peaks above the mist that clouds our senses, our hearts, our highest selves?

I pray for strength, guidance, acceptance, love, and compassion. I pray for hope. I pray for peace. I pray.

The moment we ask for her,
see her, converse with her, love her--
she gracefully rises up
against all her ropes,
and they burst open whilst
the pins fly in all directions

With much love, some levity, and certainly deep longing, together let us all sit up too,
let us bust through all the ropes
and make all the pins fly too--
untying ourselves as we also untie the Strong Woman.

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May it be deeply for you.
May it be so for me, also.
May it be so for all of use, ever.

--Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Once again, even though it’s already won a prize, I am dithering over my memoir — how to get it right, to say what I want to say. My spirit guides say, Just write, Polly; we will help you. And what is it that I want to say? That we all come from dark places, and some of us struggle to survive and thankfully do, and that it is possible to not only thrive but soar.

I don’t know if anyone else will be interested in such a story that starts so dark but gradually, tediously, slowly gets better. Recovery and healing take time. One must be patient to survive and thrive on this green Earth. We are so complicated, so faithless at times, so ornery and selfish and mean. But God shows us compassion and love. How do I know? Because I have a magnificent body with lungs to take in oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide that feeds the trees, and they, in return, give me oxygen. Because I have feet and bones that take me places, high up in the hills where I can view misty mountains in the distance, sometimes cloud-covered, sometimes smoky, other times serene and dark and soft.

Reliance on a Higher Power is what has healed me. That energy of love and compassion and higher resonance runs through my veins and pulls me up out of my own muck and mire. I love the mystery; I don’t understand it, but I want it like water. I am thirsty for this abundant Divine Energy all around me. I thirst and thirst when I am afraid and lonely and uncertain. Humans can be so vicious, so sick, so weak. I need God’s strength to get by, to survive. I need God’s love and compassion and brilliance to be who I want to be, to be who I Am.

"Escape to the mountains, lest you be destroyed." 
-- Genesis  19:17