Category: Polly Hansen

You are not the worst thing you’ve ever done.

Shame may make you feel like you are the worst thing you’ve ever done. But you aren’t. We are so much bigger, deeper, richer, vaster, and mysterious than the worst thing we have ever done.

Forgiveness is the key.  Forgiving ourselves for the worst thing we have ever done takes courage and humility. And time. It takes making amends to ourselves whom we have hurt most profoundly and making amends to others, to those we have hurt. It takes tears and patience.

Life takes courage, but thank God we have God to love us, and She does. “Be brave, my daughter.”

Yes, it hurts but be brave. You are not alone.

May you find compassion for yourself. May you find the courage to love life and forgive yourself.

You are Life itself. May you know that and love yourself and Life and God. Live the Mystery. Be the Mystery. Because you are.

The Way of Love

They are dear to me who run not after the pleasant
Or away from the painful, grieve not
Over the past, lust not today,
But let things come and go as they happen.

-- The Bhagavad Gita

The journey to intimacy with others is fraught with detours and danger zones and so worth navigating through them. If we can get through painful conversations without turning away, we may get to the other side feeling worthy, heard, cherished, and loved.

In our recent Lotus Group: Talking About Shame, one member used trigger words that were very hurtful to other members. We talked about the feelings of shame and anger for us personally around those words. It was uncomfortable. One member wanted to leave and never come back, but that member stayed. We talked about our shame in the moment, that very real, very present current feeling amongst us.

In the end, no one turned away. People felt heard and seen and came back the following week. For these conversations are all about deep connections to one another, connection to life in the moment, and for me, a deep faith and trust in God. I believe that’s what God wants for us, to be present, to show up as who we are in difficult times for one another, to help each other through the morass of our pain, some of it shared. This is how we change the world.

I don’t have all the answers and only know what is right for me. How I feel is most likely how others are feeling as well. I base group safety on guidance from Spirit and sharing guidelines, like using “I” statements as much as possible and gentle reminders when the vague, general “you” is used, by requesting that participants refrain from frequent swearing, by using respectful and caring language even when describing a painful experience (it can be done), by not using graphic details that may be triggering and painful to others. This, too, is possible.

The group felt shame, but we worked through it. We were there for one another, and we were there the following week, too.

And we can be there for you. Join us.

 You Are That
  
 As by knowing one lump of clay, dear one,
 We come to know all things made out of clay—
 That they differ only in name and form,
 While the stuff of which all are made is clay;
  
 As by knowing one gold nugget, dear one,
 We come to know all things made out of gold—
 That they differ only in name and form,
 While the stuff of which all are made is gold.
  
 As by knowing one tool of iron, dear one,
 We come to know all things made of iron—
 So through spiritual wisdom, dear one,
 We come to know that all of life is one.
  
 As bees suck nectar from many a flower
 And make their honey one, so that no drop
 Can say, “I am from this flower or that,”
 All creatures, though one, know not they are that One.
 There is nothing that does not come from her.
 of everything she is the inmost Self.
 She is the truth; she is the Self supreme.
 You are that, dear one; you are that.
  
 As the rivers flowing east and west
 Merge in the sea and become one with it,
 Forgetting they were ever separate streams,
 So do all creatures lose their separateness
 When they merge at last into pure Being.
 There is nothing that does not come from him. 
 Of everything he is the inmost Self
 He is the truth; He is the Self supreme.
 You are that, dear one; you are that! 
  
 --The Chandogya Upanishad
  
  
   

Today is Father’s Day. I’m going to walk my two dogs before it rains. I hope it’s a deluge. The parched earth so severely needs one.

I hope all of you feel drenched in the goodness of God’s love and that you embrace the beauty of your Self. No matter how much pain you are in, love yourself, accept all that is you—your pain, your shame, your mistakes, your boldness, your perseverance, your resilience, your big beautiful Self.

May you be filled with loving-kindness forever and always.

"I have attempted to share a way of seeing that allows you to recognize who you are and see the gift you are here to give. That is the art of possibility. It reveals the story you came to live. It is the possibility that wants to be born through you. It is living and being lived at the same time."

-- Higher Self-Expression--How to Become an Artist of Possibility, page 196 by Jeff Carreira

What if we lived like oak trees? God plants the seed of Self, and we watch ourselves bloom and grow. More often, we humans worry so much about who we are, we can’t enjoy ourselves and our lives. Who am I? What should I be doing? Instead of incessantly asking these questions, what if you let yourself be without expectation. What if you are already perfectly you? The answer, of course, is that you can’t be anything but perfectly you because that’s who you are!

I have often thought I should be other than who I am, thinking “shoulds” will make me better. I should be famous for my_____. Fill in the blank: for my music, my writing, my painting, my social work, my activism, whatever your “should” happens to be. You should be something other or more than you are. But that is your vision, not God’s. The oak tree never says, “I am not big enough, strong enough, tall enough.” No, the oak tree is what it is, and we are what we are.

Why not accept ourselves as we are today in this very moment. Perhaps that is weak, vulnerable, frightened, embarrassed, shameful. If that is how we feel, that is who we are in that moment. “I am frightened. I am angry.”

Once we do that—accept who we are, we loosen, we let go of our “shoulds” because there is no resistance to what is. We accept the moment, and it changes. The branches of our oak tree sway in the wind; our oak tree moves in its solid beingness.

I wish for you to be grateful for who you are. Grateful for yourself. Grateful for all the shame, fear, joy, and bliss you embody because they are you. You don’t have to try to be anything. Accept what you are and who you are now. Acceptance opens the way for what is to be. Wait and watch the unfolding.

Blessed be.

Only God I Saw

....Like a candle I was melting in his fire:
Amidst the flames outflashing -- only God I saw.

Myself with mine eyes I saw most clearly.
But when I looked with God's eyes -- only God I saw....

                                                           --Baba Kuhi of Shiraz

“Thank you” and “I love you.” These are my two favorite prayers. Thank you for this precious state of being, for awareness and consciousness. I love You who gives it.

I am in love with God. I am in love with myself. That’s what we need to do—fall in love with ourselves, with God, so that we treat ourselves and one another with kindness, patience, and tolerance. Fall in love with our imperfections and grace. Fall in love. Fall in love. Fall in love.

That is all for today. And quite enough.

Blessed be.

 Living on Love
  
 Living on love is banishing every fear,
 Every memory of past thoughts.
 I see no imprint of my sins.
 In a moment love has burned everything…
 Divine Flame, O sweet Blaze!
 I make my home in your hearth.
 In your fire I gladly sing:
     “I live on Love!...”
  
 Living on love is keeping within oneself
 A great treasure in an earthen vase.
 My Beloved, my weakness is extreme.
 Ah, I’m far from being an angel from heaven!
 But if I fall with each passing hour,
 You come to my aid, lifting me up.
 At each moment you give me your grace:
     I live on Love.
  
           --Saint Thérèse of Lisieux 

drawing by Ian McKay Hansen

Shame is not a character defect. How I respond to shame might be. I might go away and hide, or maybe I’ll think obsessively about the incident, or try to please the person who triggered the shame, get that person to like me or approve of me. When I do any of those things, I am not practicing self-love. What would be a more loving way to respond?

I’m exploring these questions now with a tender small group. We talk about shame and explore our responses to it. If in my typical response to shame I feel the need to hide, okay, I give myself permission to go ahead and hide under the virtual table or bed. I’ll come out when I feel stronger and safer. Maybe I can approach the situation or person that triggered that shame response in me and explain that I felt misunderstood by so-and-so’s reaction. Certainly, this is difficult to do and challenging, but such an act is also filled with self-love and compassion and gives the other person a chance to respond with compassion as well.

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. What are your shame moments? What causes them? How do you deal with them?

Let’s share and help one another.

Love,

Polly

The Path

I know the path: it is straight and narrow.
It is like the edge of a sword.

I rejoice to walk on it.
I weep when I slip.

God’s word is:
“He who strives never perishes.”

I have implicit faith in that promise.

Though, therefore, from my weakness
    I fail a thousand times,
I shall not lose faith.

                                      --Mahatma Gandhi

Let us be gentle with one another.

There are so many of us there is no way we can please everyone. Even when I have the best intentions, someone will take issue with it. I will insult someone through my blindness to their needs or because my needs run counter to theirs.

That person has every right to say then how she feels about my action. I can make amends if I wish and feel that is appropriate. Or I may feel grounded in myself and not judge myself as out-of-line. I can say I hear you, thank you, and leave it at that. But I don’t have to bend backward in apology or abject criticism of myself saying bad, Polly, bad just because someone is unhappy with my decision or self-expression.

Criticism by others of me hurts, but unmerited self-criticism hurts worst.

Sure, there are times when I benefit from taking stock of my bad habits that are harmful to me and others. Maybe I gossip. Maybe I poke my nose in other people’s business when I should focus on myself.

But aside from honest self-examination, habitually thinking I am rotten or have something wrong with me because of what I want or who I am harms me profoundly.

So, how do we stop doing that? How do we control the old messages that say, “I’m not good enough,” or “There’s something wrong with me,” or “I am a mistake”?

You are not a mistake. I am not a mistake. We are glorious beings created by God, Goddess, Divine Light, Self, Brahman, learning how to be.

And because we are human, learning how to be is difficult. It’s painful. Why do it alone?

Let us explore the wonders of being human together. All the joy, pain, and shame we feel, we feel together. We are not alone. We feel the same things. Come out of isolation.

I’ll be here. Join me.

Errors by my hand or foot,

by my speech, or body,

by my ears, eyes, or thought;

whether by what I’ve done or failed to do,

dear Lord, forgive all these.

O ocean of mercy, God of gods,

bestower of blissful peace,

victory unto you!

— Soul of My Soul, by Shankara, 8th century Hindu monk

Shame has been a kink in my spiritual flow of abundance for years. Of all the emotions, it’s the most uncomfortable one for me and, I suspect, for many people. Shame is ancient. It’s one of the first emotions mentioned in the Old Testament; Adam and Eve are banished from the Garden of Eden, fig leaves at the ready. How humiliating.

That’s what shame feels like – utter humiliation.

Most of us who feel shame try to hide from the emotion. We avoid thinking about the act or situation that brought on the embarrassment. Our spirit grows dark as the shame kink tightens the flow of abundance in our hearts.

But what if, instead of hiding from shame, we honored it? What if we gave the shame in our hearts space and attention? What if we invited it to teach us lessons about ourselves, lessons that point to our bright spirit, telling us of the depths of love and beauty within rather than seeing shame as a crippling wound of unworthiness?

I would love to collaborate with others in creating a ritual to honor our shame and release it. I believe that by sitting together perhaps in silent or guided meditation and holding a sacred space around our shame, the tight, hot ball of it will loosen. Shame will release its lessons to us, and the flow of abundance and love will expand in our hearts.

Perhaps we can drum and chant together, sing together, write stories, draw, dance — whatever creativity the released flow of energy draws forth.

It could be a ritual of a couple of hours or more. Or maybe even less! We could offer the celebration in a series, each ritual building upon the other.

Please comment here or reach out to me if you are interested. I realize I may be alone in this. That is my fear, and it feels like shame! But if that is the case, so be it. I release my shame to the universe! I speak my truth and the Self I claim to be.

Much love,

Polly

“That which makes the mind think,

but cannot be thought by the mind,

that is the Self indeed.

The Self is not someone other than you.”

— The Kena Upanishad

Realizing our powerlessness over another person is a good thing. When we keep the focus on ourselves, we face less strife. If I don’t try to manage everyone else’s life, I’ll create more peace in the world by taking care of myself and not everyone else.

I can say what I need, not, “I think you should_____.” I can say things like, “I’d like to talk about what just happened. Would you be willing to put down your book and talk with me?”  I could also say, “I wish you’d stop reading your book and make some comment about what just happened.” The later shows less ownership, less self-voice.

Mother Theresa wrote, “Even God cannot fill what is full,” and “We need forgiveness to become empty.”

I am finally becoming emptier. I have less of an agenda. I am able to forgive myself, and thus I am able to forgive others. I have more room for God. There is less me taking up space. I like that. Less me, please.

It’s paradoxical. I focus on taking care of myself instead of trying to fix, manage, and control others. I become emptier by focusing on powerlessness.

We are wonderful, beautiful, sacred, deeply spiritual beings. Despite our pain and suffering, we are splendid and divine. I don’t know why I have lived the life I have, raped at age five, attracted to an older man at age 14, sex trafficked at age 16. I felt validated through sex until I didn’t. I felt shame. Many of us have and do, but we can put that suffering behind us. We can forgive ourselves and heal together. We can recover the purity of our souls, our being, we can find blessedness in who we are together. I reach out in love and compassion to you who may still suffer from whatever shame you feel or once felt that haunts you still. Forgiveness and unity are truly the answers. Suffer not in silence.

“Let your love flow outward through the universe,

To its height, its depth, its broad extent,

A limitless love, without hatred or enmity.

Then, as you stand or walk,

Sit or lie down,

As long as you are awake,

Strive for this with a one-pointed mind;

Your life will bring heaven to earth.”

The Sutta Nipata – a Buddhist scripture