Month: February 2022

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Do you know how magnificent and incredible you are?

It is quite all right to admit this, to know this in your heart of hearts, deep in your marrow and psyche.

Do not feel guilty or embarrassed by this self-proclamation. Rather, celebrate the glory of being, the glory that is you, for you are wonderfully made. Your being is a gift of creation. You are knit into the fabric of this holy universe.

When you look up into the sky at night in awe at the splendors and unfathomable mystery of the universe, you are looking at yourself; you are standing in awe before a mirror. That is you up there, your birth home. In that sense, when you look at the stars at night, you are looking at your Mother, the perfect Mother—the one who loves you with all Her awesome might.

We should always ask for discipline.
One who has no self-control cannot receive grace.

And it’s not just himself he hurts. Undisciplined
People set fire to the landscape!

A table of food was once coming down from the sky to feed Moses
and his people, when suddenly voices from the crowd
called out, “Where’s the garlic?” and “We want lentils!”

At once the bread and dishes of grace-food disappeared.
Everyone had to keep digging with mattocks
and cutting with long scythes.

Then Jesus interceded and sent more trays of food.
But again some insolent people showed no respect.
They grabbed like it wouldn’t be enough, even though Jesus
kept telling them, “This food will last. It will always be here.”

To be suspicious and greedy when majesty arrives
is the worst arrogance.
Withhold your giving, and no rainclouds will form. 

When sex goes on between everybody all the time, 
epidemics spread in every direction.
When you feel gloomed over,
it’s your failure to praise. 
Irreverence and no discipline rob your soul of light.

--Rumi "The King and the Handmaiden and the doctor" from The Essential Rumi by Coleman Barks

Connection is what I want.

Connection with Spirit, connection with my heart and soul, connection with you, my loved ones. You are all out there, with your hearts and minds, thoughts, worries, fears, and insecurities. Just like me.

Even at my darkest times, I was determined to survive, to find myself, to live, to get out of the pain and suffering. Even when I felt lost for long periods, I never gave up. Even when I felt worthless, I hoped in that spark of goodness.

Today, I thrive and thrill in this life, in the splendor of it, in the wildness of my heart and soul.

Self-realization and Thou. Steeping in divinity with every breath, every heartbeat. That is our reality, whether we realize it or not.

Never give up on yourself. Never give up on your hopes and dreams. The dream of self-love can be a reality. Believe it. You are worth defending, worth striving for. You are golden and precious.

Even if you can only entertain the thought of self-love and hope someday to feel it is true, do so. With time you will know it to be true, know it with all your heart. You will connect with yourself with acceptance and love. You will become your own best friend. And then you can be a great friend to others. You will find connection and love everywhere.

Isn’t that what we all desire? Connection and love?

Life leads the thoughtful person on a path of many windings. 
Now the course is checked, now it runs straight again. 
Here winged thoughts may pour freely forth in words, 
There the heavy burden of knowledge must be shut away in silence.
But when two people are at one in their inmost hearts, they shatter even the strength of iron and bronze.
And when two people understand each other in their inmost hearts, 
Their words are sweet and strong, like the fragrance of orchids.

-- Confucius from The I Ching, T'ung Jên, Fellowship with Men

When I was 14, I fell in love with a 25-year-old man and became his lover. This relationship and its aftermath have colored my entire life. I felt so warped, isolated, different, and not normal. It took decades to recover and find self-love and trust in others, to want intimacy, and even believe intimacy was possible.

A mentally ill psychologist I later went to told me I was nasty because I thought sex was a sign of love. I would jump into bed with any man who looked at me. Because I didn’t want to be nasty anymore, I stopped jumping into bed with guys. Instead, I tried to be nice and likable. And I still wanted to be loved. But I didn’t know how to get people to like me without being flirty and manipulative.

I didn’t know and didn’t realize for years that love must come from the inside first.

It took me years to re-discover the self-love I once knew as a tiny child before other abuses occurred. But when I spotted the dim outline of that self-love, I nurtured it like a delicate seedling, and it has grown and flourished over the years.

At first, when I started this journey, my spirit was covered in filth and gnarly, calcified stone. But through therapy, journaling, spiritual retreats, prayer and meditation, and sharing my pain with others just as flawed as me, I chipped away at that armor. Did that hurt? Yes, like hell. But it has all been worth it.

Today, my spirit gleams pliant and radiant. I celebrate love for myself because, ultimately, that is Divine Love glowing in my heart. I am grateful to myself for taking the leap and saying, I cannot heal myself. I need Your help.

I have never regretted that decision, and decision it is to believe in a higher power greater than myself, to say yes to that existence of which we are all part. I am not alone. I am not separate. I am Yours.

May I be generous.
May I cultivate integrity and respect.
May I be patient and see the suffering of others.
May I be  energetic, steadfast, and wholehearted.
May I cultivate a calm and inclusive mind and heart so I can compassionately serve all beings.
May I nurture wisdom and impart the benefits of any insights I may have to others.

--from Standing at the Edge by Joan Halifax, Buddhist teacher A.K.A. Roshi Joan

Every moment is an opportunity to be aware of the divine.

As I was rinsing egg yolk from my breakfast plate, I was aware of the divinity of the moment. I am saturated by divine power, swimming in it, breathing it, aware of it. Does that mean I am divine power or have it? That I can leap tall buildings in a single bound? No, I am human and believe in the limitations of the human body. Perhaps that’s why I can’t leap tall buildings in a single bound, because of my belief. But without the divine spirit animating and emanating from my body, I am nothing but dirt and water. Thick mud, as Rumi would say.

“Give up to grace. Be wide as air to learn a secret.”

Today I accept myself as I am. I let go of trying to fulfill some destiny of who I think I must be or become. I am wide as air.

“Abraham learned how the sun and moon and the stars all set.

He said, No longer will I try to assign partners for God.”

I take that to mean that I must not have expectations in life for specific outcomes. I can hope for certain outcomes, but in the end, I must let go.

“Bismillah your old self…”

Bismillah means “In the name of God,” which Sufi priests uttered during animal sacrifices.

Find your real name, your true self, by sacrificing all your expectations to the divine at this moment.

Let go of expectations; be wide as the air.

My husband is leaving again and will be gone for two weeks to work in Illinois. Two weeks here in the mountains, two weeks there. I catch myself worrying that he will die before he returns to me, that the plane will crash, or something will happen to him while he is gone. I go through this with all my loved ones when they travel.

I grieve a hundred times over.

Then I observe what my mind is doing, and I let go of these worries, these mindless expectations and accept life on life’s terms. I accept this moment, this precious now. And at this precious now, all is well. I breathe in divinity. It is available here with us now always. Why is that so hard to remember?

All is well. I am well. Who I am is perfect. I am perfectly myself, and so are you. Accept who you are, always. Why be at war with yourself? What if you are uncomfortable with yourself? If you don’t like yourself? Don’t worry. Accept. Divinity will change you, mold you, just as it does the mud, making exquisite patterns.

“Give up to grace.
The ocean takes care of each wave
Till it gets to shore.
You need more help than you know.

Bismillah your old self
To find your real name.”

--Rumi