Author: Polly Hansen

For years I have woken up in the middle of the night feeling anxious. At least, that’s how I interpreted it; only I wasn’t sure. Was this tightening in my gut, this mild tingling throughout my body anxiety, the feeling you might get locking yourself into a dreaded rollercoaster ride; was it hormones fluctuating?

At the moment, I was safe in my warm bed with a roof over me; I was healthy, as were my husband and my children. Why feel anxious? And yet, the belief persisted that this was anxiety, this overall humming throughout my body like a low electrical current.

But what if that feeling was something else? What if that feeling was an invitation from the Goddess to surrender to Her completely? What if that humming charge I felt was the divine opening the door inviting me to step through? I had this inkling with the help of the spiritual teacher, Jeff Carreira, through his Mystery School https://mysteryschool-memberscircle.com/ He suggests that we question our assumptions about reality and thought. So the next time I awoke in the night, I chose to entertain the possibility that the energy I felt was not anxiety but an invitation from the Goddess inviting me to say yes. So I said, yes, I surrender. I surrender.

An amazing thing happened.

I fell back asleep in the most beautiful space I could imagine. Everything, the landscape, the people, the air, the buildings, was alive with color, abundance, energy, and love. Two women, angels or spirit guides, told me my son was a prophet who understood that life was so much more than we could see and that we had to save him. The Goddess scooped me up in Her Hand and whisked me away to safety.

I woke up.

May my eyes continue to open and see Her Vision. May I come to realize more and more I am that Vision.

Any may you find that Vision as well.

So mote it be.

“Perennial Joy”

The Self cannot be known through the study

Of the scriptures, nor through the intellect,

Nor through hearing discourses about it.

It can be attained only by those

Whom the Self chooses. Verily unto them

Does the Self reveal itself.

–The Katha Upanishad

I don’t have much to say today. I’m just idling contentedly along.

“If you understand,

things are just as they are;

if you do not understand, things are just as they are.”

— Buddhist proverb

I had my teeth cleaned this week. I hate having my teeth cleaned. I hate that scraping, the stiff, dry ratcheting in my skull that literally sets my teeth on edge.

But this time, I decided to lean into the scraping and scratching instead of pushing it away, to accept it for what it is, an experience of the unfolding universe. And you know what? The discomfort became less acute. I could even enjoy part of it, like almost a massaging of my gums, knowing I was receiving deep satisfying cleanliness.

Before I knew it, the hygienist was done polishing my teeth and then getting out the dental floss, the final step.

Unpleasant situations are more intense when we tense up against them. Take the huge knot in my back, for instance. If I breathe into the knot and relax while lying on a hard rubber ball, if I flow with my deep breathing, the knot has a better chance to loosen. Same with teeth cleaning or any other experience, I imagine. The ones we deal with day in day out, anyway. Maybe not the truly traumatic and torturous ones. But who knows? Maybe the same goes for them as well.

So, for everyday unpleasantness, I will choose to show up and breathe into the moment rather than resist it. If you try it, I’d love to hear how it goes for you.

Perennial Joy

“Leave pain and pleasure far behind.

Those who know that they are neither body

Nor mind but the immemorial Self,

The divine principle of existence,

Find the source of all joy and live in joy

Abiding…”

The Katha Upanishad

What if, during prayer and meditation, you could collapse the sense of “I” with not knowing who “I” is?

Why not just let go of the “I” and instead be content with, “No idea.”

Because otherwise, we could stay stuck in thoughts like these ones I had a few years ago:

“I doubt my self-worth; I doubt my goodness. I fear something is rotten in me, something mean and ugly, and it frightens me because I fear I am powerless over it—that I have no control over it. It’s how I feel when I become drained; I have nothing left, no patience, no control, and I want to lash out at something, anything—the stupid earbuds that get tangled up in my scarf, or my dog who won’t stop barking, or the person budging in, trying to squeeze ahead of me on the exit ramp when I have waited so patiently in line. These angry spots in my heart are dark splotches that frighten me; my humanness and imperfections disturb me. I don’t want to be mean, horrible, and ugly, and yet, that’s what I fear most because I’ve seen so much of it in other people. I don’t want to be that way myself, but sometimes I worry that there is a part of me that’s still in there hiding somewhere—a mean, ugly part and so I am afraid to admit my faults—my character defects, but they are there, a part of me, and I am powerless over them.”

Yikes!

Oh, dear heart, worry not. You are fine, and you are glorious, and you are lovely, particularly because there is no “I,” only ME, GOD.

The River of God

All is change in the world of the senses,

But changeless is the supreme Lord of Love.

Meditate on her, be absorbed in her,

Wake up from this dream of separateness.

Know God and all fetters will fall away.

No longer identifying yourself

With the body, go beyond birth and death.

Know her to be enshrined within your heart

Always. Truly there is nothing more

To know in life. Meditate and realize

The world is filled with the presence of God….

–The Shvetashvatara Upanishad

I have eight spirit guides in my meditation circle. I started with seven and then invited one more. I sit with these spirit guides, my dearest friends, in prayer and meditation every day. Usually, I go to their space, which is always a fire circle. But today, I imagined them standing before me life-sized. In my bedroom.

“If I open my eyes, will I see you?” I asked. “Is that how real You are?”

“Go ahead, Polly. Open your eyes. We will be here.”

“Will I see you?”

“Open your eyes, Polly.”

I opened my eyes.

What I saw with my knowing heart was Their Presence, standing before me—Archangel Michael, large, glorious and golden filling my room; Mother Mary, sitting on my cedar chest; Her Son next to her, who approached me and took my hand; Persephone, who was in one corner by my husband’s dresser and the next moment by the window; Mother Earth, ancient and STRONG, so incredibly resilient like a vibrant oak; Aphrodite, who resides in a sumptuous apartment, a luxurious lair that travels with her, is part of her and where I have visited for health, guidance, rest, and recovery; Balance, standing tall, stolid, and silent, my patron of meditation; Athena, standing next to her, shifting between masculine and feminine, warrior and woman, protector and sister.

“We are always here, Polly,” they said, “even when your eyes are open.”

Altering my perception to see these spirit guides with my eyes open in my everyday awake setting is a revolution in my perception of life. I feel their calm, devoted, and loving attention and presence. No matter what I do, what I think, nothing “steals” from this presence.

Today, I did a yoga practice on YouTube where the teacher said our thoughts about the past and future steal from the present moment. That is impossible. The present moment is here always, is all that there is. Our thoughts can’t steal from it. That is impossible. However, our thoughts steal from our awareness of the Present, so we are only partially aware of it.

My spirit guides are always here in the Present with me. But I often ignore them. That is my choice. Or my habit. I choose to change my habit of ignoring their presence. I choose to transform my awareness always to be present with them.

May it be so. And so mote it be.

An excerpt from Chapter 3, “The Practice of Grateful Living, Stop. Look. Go,” from Wake Up Grateful, The Transformative Practice of Taking Nothing for Granted, by Kristi Nelson

“Many of us need to cultivate reliable methods and practices to connect with or reinvigorate grateful awareness when it is not readily accessible. Cultivation harnesses the energy of our intentions. Just as we can cultivate a bountiful flower or vegetable garden, so too can we cultivate qualities in our lives we desire and that will serve our lives. What we nourish with our attention will nourish us in return.” –page 43

Someone gave me cruel and heartless feedback on a project I had submitted for critique. Perhaps this person thought she was just honest. Or maybe funny in a caustic way, but I felt pierced through the heart as if with an arrow. Immediately I felt angry, resentful, ashamed, hurt. I wanted to strike out and say, “How dare you? What is wrong with you? Don’t you see the cruelty in your words?” I considered calling her to tell her how her words affected me, to keep my reaction in “I” statements, not “you” statements. “I felt hurt by this statement,” etc.

I prayed about it and realized I didn’t need to take any action at that moment. I asked God, “Why did you bring this person into my life? What lesson do you want me to learn?” And then I bowed to God and to this person, this teacher, who may not realize she is my teacher, but is, and I said, “Thank you for showing me the cruelty and impulsivity I embody.”

For isn’t it often the case that the people who bother us the most, who get under our skin and irritate us, are the ones who reflect the very same traits in ourselves?

I learned many attitudes as a child that I now consider hurtful, negative attributes that I don’t like in myself, and yet in some ways enjoy indulging in. Sometimes I enjoy being mean and spiteful. And then God ushers someone into my life with those same characteristics, and, voila, I am attuned to them in myself and see how hurtful they can be. And so I bow and say thank you, and I never hope again to engage in such behaviors if I can help it.

So instead of calling this woman and saying your words hurt me, I apologized for my behaviors when giving feedback that may have caused pain and discouraged someone rather than encouraged them.

I am aware of my part and how I will conduct myself in the future. I don’t need to make a decision right now whether I will respond to this person one-on-one. Being aware of the dynamics and having made my amends for my behavior is all I need at the moment.

An excerpt from the poem “Checkmate” by Rumi

“…A certain preacher always prays long and with enthusiasm

for thieves and muggers that attack people

on the street. “Let your mercy, O Lord,

cover their insolence.”

He doesn’t pray for the good,

But only for the blatantly cruel.

Why is this? his congregation asks.

“Because they have done me such generous favors.

Every time I turn back towards the things they want.

I run into them, they beat me, and leave me nearly dead

in the road, and I understand, again, that what they want

is not what I want. They keep me on the spiritual path.

That’s why I honor them and pray for them.”

Those that make you return, for whatever reason,

to God’s solitude, be grateful to them….”

From “The Essential Rumi” translated by Coleman Barks

Watercolor by Polly, 5/2/1975

“We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

I’m sure you’ve heard this saying many times. I have confirmation from my 20-year-old self that this assertion is true.

When I was 20, I was mixed up, unhappy, insecure, and self-centered. At least, that’s how I remember myself as being. I suffered for years with insecurities and self-doubt. And yet, at age 20, I was able to write something like this:

“These times grow difficult; one can’t see the light for fear of knowing the truth. But we all see that light because it beats in our hearts. So many times, people confuse themselves with their human images. Why? It is a useless pain and does not help us. I wish we, I wish I, could see that light within at all times and proclaim it joyously. Yet I hold back for fear of getting clobbered. Jesus went all out, to be honest, and loving. He saw the light in everything and became that light by being its qualities. Perhaps Jesus, too, was afraid. Indeed, he got clobbered, but he could see how worthwhile it was not to hold back.

“History is a story of truthfulness, not the written past, but the history of being, the history that is. A person’s experience is true to him or herself. Whether or not fear blinds us, the light within changes us and shapes us into walking landscapes, panoramas of trauma or tranquility. We are patchworks of angelic qualities. Our lives are gifted by heaven, by the universe.

“Continuity—the flow of life. It cannot be stopped. It matters not what I say here, drifting from thought to thought, the flow and unity of words carry on.”

Today, I see myself as having two consciousnesses—my angelic, spiritual, eternal one, who I truly am, and my human experience self, my ego-self. Early in my life, I identified with the ego-self, while the angelic self was a significant presence. Slowly, the human-experience self took over, and I forgot the heavenly, spiritual self. I identified solely with the trauma of my personal story. Now, I need not take my human experience so seriously as I remember my angelic, spiritual self. Still, I have compassion for my brothers and sisters and pray for an end of all suffering and the root of all suffering. But as far as my grief is concerned, I can see that it is rooted in my ego. Today, it is that spiritual self I wish to identify with and to leave my suffering and self-doubts behind.

“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.”
― T. S. Eliot, Four Quartets

Be content with who you are. There is no need to grab the identity and spirit of others. I can be enough for myself, and with God’s love, I can show my love by being of service.

Whenever I feel distressed and lost, all the angels and saints pray for me to get back on track, to find my way to The Center. In an angel reading, they once said to me, “Return to your core and speak candidly with love and compassion for yourself and those you love. Be fearless in the essence of love. There are peace and kindness, which is your natural state of being.”

What comforting words. How often I forget them! When I choose anxiety, worry, concern, and resentment, I believe those messages about myself and consider them of others.

Be fearless in the essence of love. Do not take on the responsibilities of others lest you become fractured and tense. Let go. Surrender control. Let God take over. Be content with who you are. Deep in your soul, you will find peace and kindness.

While meditating today, I noticed my thoughts going this way and that. I focused on my breath, so grateful for it, the richness of the in-breath, the relief of the out-breath, over and over. My thoughts scattered again. I became aware of being present again. I became conscious of myself being aware. I had a question for God. I asked, “God, are You aware of Yourself? God said, “Of course!” I asked, “What is that like? Is it possible to show me? Can I stand it?” God said, “Sure, I’ll show you.” Immediately, my mind went still, complete stillness. Oh! It was so precious, so delicious and wonderful. And then my timer went off much, much sooner than I expected.

Holding to the Constant

Break into the peace within,

Hold attention in stillness,

And in the world outside

You will ably master the ten thousand things.

All things rise and flourish

Then go back to their roots.

Seeing this return brings true rest,

Where you discover who you really are.

Knowing who you are, you will find the constant.

Those who lack harmony with the constant court danger,

But those who have it gain new vision.

They act with compassion;

      within themselves, they can find room for everything.

Having room, they rule themselves and lead others wisely.

Being wise, they live in accordance

      with the nature of things.

Emptied of self and one with nature,

They become filled with the Tao.

The Tao endures forever.

For those who have attained harmony with the Tao

      Will never lose it

Even if their bodies die.

–Lao Tzu

P.S. I love this line: “Knowing who you are, you will find the constant.” We are beloved children of God. You are, I am, we all are. What peace in savoring that blessed reality.

If you’re not familiar with 12-Step programs, there’s something they feature called “The Acceptance Prayer,” which, upon first reading can be very hard to swallow. “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today…” See what I mean? It goes on to say that if you want serenity, you must change your attitude.

My attitude is often the root of my suffering. Specifically, my attitude towards myself. For example, I’ve often judged myself harshly. I say, ‘I’m not doing enough to help the world. Look at all those enlightened activists and teachers doing their part.’ And then my thoughts get even darker, and I think, “I am not enough.”

Simply put, my attitude towards myself creates my suffering. When I remember the Acceptance Prayer, I have a better chance of accepting all my faults and gifts with humility. 

The A.A. Big Book contains many spiritual gems of love and wisdom that resonate even if you’re not an alcoholic or addict. One such gem is the passage, “living in the answer.… When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away.”

The problem, for me, is often some form of thinking that I am not enough. ‘Who am I to say this, to believe that, to want this, etc.?’ When I turn instead to living in the answer, which means being aware of God’s abiding love for me, my angst disappears.

“[W]e are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God.” –(A.A. Big Book p. 417)  

Touché.

And when I struggle because life doesn’t go my way, the way I expected, the way I counted on, I can return to acceptance rather than harbor resistance or resentment. Neither of those attitudes changes reality and only makes me suffer more. Besides, the unexpected happens all of the time. God doesn’t say, ‘Here’s exactly what’s going to happen in your life, and this is how you’ll deal with it.’ What’s the point in that? I’d have as much meaning as a ticking clock—and I don’t want to just mark time with my life. I want to live life fully with all the unexpected turns, disappointments, and joys that it holds.

The lively way to live is exactly the way the writer of that acceptance chapter in the Big Book suggests—by accepting the feelings and emotions we have at the moment and expressing them appropriately.

“When we deal in feelings, we tend to come to know ourselves and each other much better.”

That is excellent guidance whether I’m talking with my spouse, my children, my mother, my sister, my boss, my colleagues, anyone. I can check in with my feelings, whether I’m troubled or joyous, accept where I’m at, and take care of myself accordingly. I can decide whether to share what I’m feeling, or protect myself by not sharing if that feels appropriate. Acceptance is such a lively, gratifying way to live.

The Acceptance Prayer

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation, some fact of my life, unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world, as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.” –The A.A. “Big Book” p. 417