Author: Polly Hansen

When I was nineteen, I knew everything I needed to know about my spiritual self — that I was good. Only I didn’t believe what my heart knew instinctively because I was in too much pain.

Here’s what I wrote back then:  “I tend to make problems for myself. I‘m not used to thinking and acting as if I were truly good. It’s probably due to hanging on to feeling bad. Intellectually I can say I am good, but why can’t I feel it emotionally? That’s what I’m searching for—the goodness in me.

“I speak of God—inside me and all around me and in other people—that’s what I want to see. Despite my pessimism, I am beginning to love myself, a manifestation of God, of a spirit within me, within this whole phenomenon of life. It’s just too much to ignore! I could go crazy over that, or I could be calm knowing the power of the truth.”

Forty-six years later, I marvel at what I knew and appreciate the truth in my youthful words: we are all okay. No matter how much pain we are in, we are good; our souls are bright and loving. It’s just that the truth is hard to know when we feel lousy.

Oh dear ones, listen to your heart. You are magnificent! Believe it! You are an expression of Her creativity—golden, warm, and loving.

Here is one of my all-time favorite prayers:

“When thus I lose myself in thee, my God,

Then do I see and know,

That all Thy universe reveals Thy beauty,

All living beings, all lifeless things,

Exist through Thee.

This whole vast world is but the form

In which Thou showest us Thyself,

Is but the voice,

With which Thyself Thou speakest unto us.

What need of words?

Come, Master, come,

And fill me wholly with Thyself.”

–Tukaram, a Hindu mystic of the 17^th century

So here it is spoken plainly: “All Thy universe reveals Thy beauty…”

That includes us! We are Her universe! We reveal Her beauty! Isn’t that grand! Isn’t that miraculous!

Enjoy the day!

Hello, dear friends. Sorry I missed posting last week. I am so busy trying to finish this book I’m writing about my teenage years when I was lost and frightened and on my own.

I think we all feel that way sometimes and don’t realize that we aren’t alone. God is always with us.

But what if you don’t believe in God? What if you feel like God isn’t there for you or doesn’t care? Once upon a time, I screamed at God for not helping me. I was enraged. She just stood there as silent, unhelpful, solid, and unmovable as the tree at which I screamed.

I felt no help then, but how do I know that tree didn’t help me just by standing ground, by receiving my anger?

Believing in God, believing we are loved is a decision, a choice. It opens our hearts to the possibility of healing and hope. It is a choice I make every day to love and be loved, to feel whatever shows up–sorrow, rage, hope, joy, love.

Listen carefully to your heart. If it aches, pour that ache out to God and or some healing soul.

Take heart, have hope. Spirit will guide you.

“Listen, listen, listen to my heart’s song.

Listen, listen, listen to my heart’s song.

I will never forget you.

I will never forsake you.

I will never forget you.

I will never forsake you.”

Write to me; I will listen.

God brings certain people into my life to teach me lessons about myself.

God brought a woman into my life who would not listen to me. What I learned was I often don’t listen to people.

This woman started our conversation with something I didn’t want to talk about and told her so. She talked about it anyway. I got angrier and angrier. We ended the phone call.

My husband and I are planning to relocate. We are discussing how to proceed. Sometimes when we talk, I find myself feeling angry; I don’t want to listen to his opinions and walk away or ignore him.

I began to notice all the times I do this to people. Refuse to listen. It starts as a slow burn and becomes a physical resistance in my body – increased heart rate, rigid muscles, clenched teeth.

I talked this realization over with a friend.

“You feel self-righteousness,” she said. “I get it. I do that, too. I don’t want to listen to someone who has strong opinions opposite from mine. It’s tricky.”

I realized I owed the woman with strong opinions an apology. I thought she had not listened to me. But I had not listened to her. I failed her as a friend. I called and apologized. I said I had done a poor job of listening and could do better. She said, okay, but she’d rather not be friends anyway. We weren’t close, but still, I was disappointed and sad, but it showed me the effects of my behavior.

I don’t want to live my life turning away from people whose opinions I don’t like.

God says I can be grounded in love and wholeness as I listen. I don’t need to spout my opinion in return. I don’t have to engage in an argument. I can listen. I can accept the information and let it rest.

I apologize now to my husband. I say, “I will listen and try not to walk away.”

He says, “Thank you. I will try to do the same.”

Maybe King Solomon was considered wise because he listened. But he prayed to God for the gift of wisdom, for the gift of listening.

“Therefore, give to Your servant an understanding heart to judge Your people, that I may discern between good and evil.”

I receive everything from You, Higher Power. What someone else thinks or says does not take away what You give me. God, grant me an understanding, listening heart.

And dare I say it, keep the lessons coming.

For years I have woken up in the middle of the night feeling anxious. At least, that’s how I interpreted it; only I wasn’t sure. Was this tightening in my gut, this mild tingling throughout my body anxiety, the feeling you might get locking yourself into a dreaded rollercoaster ride; was it hormones fluctuating?

At the moment, I was safe in my warm bed with a roof over me; I was healthy, as were my husband and my children. Why feel anxious? And yet, the belief persisted that this was anxiety, this overall humming throughout my body like a low electrical current.

But what if that feeling was something else? What if that feeling was an invitation from the Goddess to surrender to Her completely? What if that humming charge I felt was the divine opening the door inviting me to step through? I had this inkling with the help of the spiritual teacher, Jeff Carreira, through his Mystery School https://mysteryschool-memberscircle.com/ He suggests that we question our assumptions about reality and thought. So the next time I awoke in the night, I chose to entertain the possibility that the energy I felt was not anxiety but an invitation from the Goddess inviting me to say yes. So I said, yes, I surrender. I surrender.

An amazing thing happened.

I fell back asleep in the most beautiful space I could imagine. Everything, the landscape, the people, the air, the buildings, was alive with color, abundance, energy, and love. Two women, angels or spirit guides, told me my son was a prophet who understood that life was so much more than we could see and that we had to save him. The Goddess scooped me up in Her Hand and whisked me away to safety.

I woke up.

May my eyes continue to open and see Her Vision. May I come to realize more and more I am that Vision.

Any may you find that Vision as well.

So mote it be.

“Perennial Joy”

The Self cannot be known through the study

Of the scriptures, nor through the intellect,

Nor through hearing discourses about it.

It can be attained only by those

Whom the Self chooses. Verily unto them

Does the Self reveal itself.

–The Katha Upanishad

I don’t have much to say today. I’m just idling contentedly along.

“If you understand,

things are just as they are;

if you do not understand, things are just as they are.”

— Buddhist proverb

I had my teeth cleaned this week. I hate having my teeth cleaned. I hate that scraping, the stiff, dry ratcheting in my skull that literally sets my teeth on edge.

But this time, I decided to lean into the scraping and scratching instead of pushing it away, to accept it for what it is, an experience of the unfolding universe. And you know what? The discomfort became less acute. I could even enjoy part of it, like almost a massaging of my gums, knowing I was receiving deep satisfying cleanliness.

Before I knew it, the hygienist was done polishing my teeth and then getting out the dental floss, the final step.

Unpleasant situations are more intense when we tense up against them. Take the huge knot in my back, for instance. If I breathe into the knot and relax while lying on a hard rubber ball, if I flow with my deep breathing, the knot has a better chance to loosen. Same with teeth cleaning or any other experience, I imagine. The ones we deal with day in day out, anyway. Maybe not the truly traumatic and torturous ones. But who knows? Maybe the same goes for them as well.

So, for everyday unpleasantness, I will choose to show up and breathe into the moment rather than resist it. If you try it, I’d love to hear how it goes for you.

Perennial Joy

“Leave pain and pleasure far behind.

Those who know that they are neither body

Nor mind but the immemorial Self,

The divine principle of existence,

Find the source of all joy and live in joy

Abiding…”

The Katha Upanishad

What if, during prayer and meditation, you could collapse the sense of “I” with not knowing who “I” is?

Why not just let go of the “I” and instead be content with, “No idea.”

Because otherwise, we could stay stuck in thoughts like these ones I had a few years ago:

“I doubt my self-worth; I doubt my goodness. I fear something is rotten in me, something mean and ugly, and it frightens me because I fear I am powerless over it—that I have no control over it. It’s how I feel when I become drained; I have nothing left, no patience, no control, and I want to lash out at something, anything—the stupid earbuds that get tangled up in my scarf, or my dog who won’t stop barking, or the person budging in, trying to squeeze ahead of me on the exit ramp when I have waited so patiently in line. These angry spots in my heart are dark splotches that frighten me; my humanness and imperfections disturb me. I don’t want to be mean, horrible, and ugly, and yet, that’s what I fear most because I’ve seen so much of it in other people. I don’t want to be that way myself, but sometimes I worry that there is a part of me that’s still in there hiding somewhere—a mean, ugly part and so I am afraid to admit my faults—my character defects, but they are there, a part of me, and I am powerless over them.”

Yikes!

Oh, dear heart, worry not. You are fine, and you are glorious, and you are lovely, particularly because there is no “I,” only ME, GOD.

The River of God

All is change in the world of the senses,

But changeless is the supreme Lord of Love.

Meditate on her, be absorbed in her,

Wake up from this dream of separateness.

Know God and all fetters will fall away.

No longer identifying yourself

With the body, go beyond birth and death.

Know her to be enshrined within your heart

Always. Truly there is nothing more

To know in life. Meditate and realize

The world is filled with the presence of God….

–The Shvetashvatara Upanishad

I have eight spirit guides in my meditation circle. I started with seven and then invited one more. I sit with these spirit guides, my dearest friends, in prayer and meditation every day. Usually, I go to their space, which is always a fire circle. But today, I imagined them standing before me life-sized. In my bedroom.

“If I open my eyes, will I see you?” I asked. “Is that how real You are?”

“Go ahead, Polly. Open your eyes. We will be here.”

“Will I see you?”

“Open your eyes, Polly.”

I opened my eyes.

What I saw with my knowing heart was Their Presence, standing before me—Archangel Michael, large, glorious and golden filling my room; Mother Mary, sitting on my cedar chest; Her Son next to her, who approached me and took my hand; Persephone, who was in one corner by my husband’s dresser and the next moment by the window; Mother Earth, ancient and STRONG, so incredibly resilient like a vibrant oak; Aphrodite, who resides in a sumptuous apartment, a luxurious lair that travels with her, is part of her and where I have visited for health, guidance, rest, and recovery; Balance, standing tall, stolid, and silent, my patron of meditation; Athena, standing next to her, shifting between masculine and feminine, warrior and woman, protector and sister.

“We are always here, Polly,” they said, “even when your eyes are open.”

Altering my perception to see these spirit guides with my eyes open in my everyday awake setting is a revolution in my perception of life. I feel their calm, devoted, and loving attention and presence. No matter what I do, what I think, nothing “steals” from this presence.

Today, I did a yoga practice on YouTube where the teacher said our thoughts about the past and future steal from the present moment. That is impossible. The present moment is here always, is all that there is. Our thoughts can’t steal from it. That is impossible. However, our thoughts steal from our awareness of the Present, so we are only partially aware of it.

My spirit guides are always here in the Present with me. But I often ignore them. That is my choice. Or my habit. I choose to change my habit of ignoring their presence. I choose to transform my awareness always to be present with them.

May it be so. And so mote it be.

An excerpt from Chapter 3, “The Practice of Grateful Living, Stop. Look. Go,” from Wake Up Grateful, The Transformative Practice of Taking Nothing for Granted, by Kristi Nelson

“Many of us need to cultivate reliable methods and practices to connect with or reinvigorate grateful awareness when it is not readily accessible. Cultivation harnesses the energy of our intentions. Just as we can cultivate a bountiful flower or vegetable garden, so too can we cultivate qualities in our lives we desire and that will serve our lives. What we nourish with our attention will nourish us in return.” –page 43

Someone gave me cruel and heartless feedback on a project I had submitted for critique. Perhaps this person thought she was just honest. Or maybe funny in a caustic way, but I felt pierced through the heart as if with an arrow. Immediately I felt angry, resentful, ashamed, hurt. I wanted to strike out and say, “How dare you? What is wrong with you? Don’t you see the cruelty in your words?” I considered calling her to tell her how her words affected me, to keep my reaction in “I” statements, not “you” statements. “I felt hurt by this statement,” etc.

I prayed about it and realized I didn’t need to take any action at that moment. I asked God, “Why did you bring this person into my life? What lesson do you want me to learn?” And then I bowed to God and to this person, this teacher, who may not realize she is my teacher, but is, and I said, “Thank you for showing me the cruelty and impulsivity I embody.”

For isn’t it often the case that the people who bother us the most, who get under our skin and irritate us, are the ones who reflect the very same traits in ourselves?

I learned many attitudes as a child that I now consider hurtful, negative attributes that I don’t like in myself, and yet in some ways enjoy indulging in. Sometimes I enjoy being mean and spiteful. And then God ushers someone into my life with those same characteristics, and, voila, I am attuned to them in myself and see how hurtful they can be. And so I bow and say thank you, and I never hope again to engage in such behaviors if I can help it.

So instead of calling this woman and saying your words hurt me, I apologized for my behaviors when giving feedback that may have caused pain and discouraged someone rather than encouraged them.

I am aware of my part and how I will conduct myself in the future. I don’t need to make a decision right now whether I will respond to this person one-on-one. Being aware of the dynamics and having made my amends for my behavior is all I need at the moment.

An excerpt from the poem “Checkmate” by Rumi

“…A certain preacher always prays long and with enthusiasm

for thieves and muggers that attack people

on the street. “Let your mercy, O Lord,

cover their insolence.”

He doesn’t pray for the good,

But only for the blatantly cruel.

Why is this? his congregation asks.

“Because they have done me such generous favors.

Every time I turn back towards the things they want.

I run into them, they beat me, and leave me nearly dead

in the road, and I understand, again, that what they want

is not what I want. They keep me on the spiritual path.

That’s why I honor them and pray for them.”

Those that make you return, for whatever reason,

to God’s solitude, be grateful to them….”

From “The Essential Rumi” translated by Coleman Barks

Watercolor by Polly, 5/2/1975

“We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

I’m sure you’ve heard this saying many times. I have confirmation from my 20-year-old self that this assertion is true.

When I was 20, I was mixed up, unhappy, insecure, and self-centered. At least, that’s how I remember myself as being. I suffered for years with insecurities and self-doubt. And yet, at age 20, I was able to write something like this:

“These times grow difficult; one can’t see the light for fear of knowing the truth. But we all see that light because it beats in our hearts. So many times, people confuse themselves with their human images. Why? It is a useless pain and does not help us. I wish we, I wish I, could see that light within at all times and proclaim it joyously. Yet I hold back for fear of getting clobbered. Jesus went all out, to be honest, and loving. He saw the light in everything and became that light by being its qualities. Perhaps Jesus, too, was afraid. Indeed, he got clobbered, but he could see how worthwhile it was not to hold back.

“History is a story of truthfulness, not the written past, but the history of being, the history that is. A person’s experience is true to him or herself. Whether or not fear blinds us, the light within changes us and shapes us into walking landscapes, panoramas of trauma or tranquility. We are patchworks of angelic qualities. Our lives are gifted by heaven, by the universe.

“Continuity—the flow of life. It cannot be stopped. It matters not what I say here, drifting from thought to thought, the flow and unity of words carry on.”

Today, I see myself as having two consciousnesses—my angelic, spiritual, eternal one, who I truly am, and my human experience self, my ego-self. Early in my life, I identified with the ego-self, while the angelic self was a significant presence. Slowly, the human-experience self took over, and I forgot the heavenly, spiritual self. I identified solely with the trauma of my personal story. Now, I need not take my human experience so seriously as I remember my angelic, spiritual self. Still, I have compassion for my brothers and sisters and pray for an end of all suffering and the root of all suffering. But as far as my grief is concerned, I can see that it is rooted in my ego. Today, it is that spiritual self I wish to identify with and to leave my suffering and self-doubts behind.

“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.”
― T. S. Eliot, Four Quartets