Author: Polly Hansen

When I was a young girl, I noticed that disabled and injured people got lots of kind attention. The girl in my class who had polio and leg braces was someone I didn’t particularly like, but I wanted to be friendly, kind, and helpful because I thought maybe the attention she received would rub off on me. I noticed that other girls would put her chair up on her desk at the end of the school day. I went home and used the crutches my mother had bought at the Good Will store as toys to convince the younger girls next door that I had polio and couldn’t straighten my legs. My braces were “on the inside,” I said.  Doesn’t that hurt? The girls asked me. Oh yes, I said, very much, and those girls were kind to me, opening doors, offering me cookies, showing me their dolls, and even giving them to me.

One day a friend of mine showed up in school with a cast on her arm. Even the teacher was kinder to Toni, a bit of a troublemaker, giving Toni extra smiles and patting her shoulder. Later at home, I found an elastic ankle brace for sprains and slipped it over my left wrist. At school the next day, I kept my arm bent as if wearing an entire cast and covered the brace with my sweater sleeve. Lining up in the hallway, the teacher walked down the line and bent over me, murmuring, Polly, did you hurt yourself? Are you injured? She saw the tip of the brace peeking out from my sleeve. I blushed and lowered my head, mortified because I was faking for attention, and it had worked. The teacher, who rarely ever noticed me, gently placed a hand on my shoulder and said I could be excused from recess if I wished and that I should be careful. I never wore that brace again because I knew it was wrong to fool people, and I was terrified someone would punish me if they found out. Instead, I internalized the wound and began to see myself as an injured person. People couldn’t see the damage, but I knew it was there and believed that made me unique.

I didn’t realize how I had internalized this message until I was an old woman, sick of the humiliation of self-pity and wondering how to shake it. When I realized where it began, that the seeds were planted in my childhood, I laughed, delighted to know this script I had written and the role I had perfected through the decades could be dropped.

There is nothing wrong with me.

I am one grain of sand among many, like a star in the universe, each one the center of it. We are all the center of the universe, equal and alike, no one more special than the next. Undamaged and perfect.

“God is always in you and you are always in Him.

He and you are one. This is the truth”.

Swami Ramdas

Illustration by https://www.elemckayartist.com/

As a child, I felt connected to God through my stuffed animals. They embodied Spirit, and in my relationship with them, I knew my soul. Blue dog. Foxy. Brandy, the basset hound. I spoke to them and loved them, and they loved me back.

But as a teen, I lost that conscious contact with Spirit and stopped believing in it. I lost faith.

As a miserable twenty-something, I longed to believe I was good but felt worthless. I was still reeling from my reckless behavior as a teen and was under the influence of an influential cult leader in the guise of a psychologist who told me I was nasty, among other things.

Fortunately, I had begun making conscious contact with God again. My consciousness was in the process of waking up. By listening to God’s voice within my heart, I shook off the yoke of this man’s vile darkness.

Our consciousness needs awakening. Various scriptures say that you will find the jewel of God’s love waiting within your heart by listening carefully. I discovered several spirit guides within my heart, each offering gifts: loyalty, perseverance, dependability, wisdom, devotion, sacrifice, pleasure, balance, stillness, love, passion, protection, patience, courage, tolerance.

I consciously connect with my guides as I go through my day. Whenever I become anxious or confused, I call on them. They never let me down. It’s as if my stuffed animals had been totems for these spirit guides all along.

Your spirit guides are waiting to be discovered if you haven’t done so already. All you must do is sit in silence and humbly ask them to appear. Respectfully request their names. Have patience. They will reveal themselves to you. They love you big time. Mine do. Mine were pacing eagerly, just waiting for me to wake up and say hello.

I never take my Guides for granted. I cultivate our relationship with attention, devotion, and time. Time to sit and be together in silence. Time to feel each other’s presence and to be One in that Spirit.

How can we be there for one another? How can we give space and time for one another?

By showing up.

Just show up.

You don’t have to do anything, orchestrate or plan anything. Trust in the experience and let whatever happens happen. Let the feelings arise, let the words come, or listen to the silence between you. Sometimes the silence speaks mountains of love.

Embrace all of it with patience and tolerance for what is. Accept your powerlessness over the one you love, the feelings you have, she has. Accept it all and just let it go, let it be.

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. (Thank you, Paul.)

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

--Jalal al-Din Rumi

Translated by Coleman Barks

We are infinitely loved. How can we tap into that Love if we don’t believe in it? If we don’t have faith?

I felt like that once, completely abandoned by God, waiting for Her to change my life. That’s what I thought God’s presence would do—change my situation so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. But that’s not how God operates. God wants us to deal with it, to deal with Life—our lives. She provides the tools to do so. Prayer. Meditation. Therapy. Community. Journaling. Friendship. Literature. Teachers. Our brains, our minds, and our hearts. God loves us. She pours Her infinite Love over and into us. Her Love is there always.

But what if we are blind to Her Love or can’t feel it? How do we begin to open our hearts to this Love?

By listening.

Listening to our own pain and shadows instead of shutting them down and ignoring them.

Everything we live through is important. Everything we live through is a lesson, an opportunity, honing and shaping us into the highest beings we can be if only we trust and have faith in the process.

Does it hurt? You bet. Is it scary? Absolutely. But She is there, guiding us always.

Listen to your heart. Give voice to your fears. I will listen. I will pray for you and with you. This is what we were meant to do—to be here for one another. Healing and transformation occur when we let go, even just a little bit. When we share with others, the light of truth shines forth healing rays; accepting what is frees us. We let go of our attachment to pain each time we share it with another. The grip loosens, space for release has a chance to rest in our hearts. Transformation begins. It is a slow process, but it works.

I genuinely believe in the power of God’s transformative Love available to us all. We can channel that Love, be an open vessel for it so that it pours out and flows from one to another.

I am here.

I will wait for you.

"You have put yourself under the guidance and control
     of an all-powerful being.
Let Her do what She pleases with you.
    God is always in you and you are always in Her.
She and you are One. This is the truth."

-- from "Unshakable Faith" Swami Ramdas

After experiencing pain and suffering for many years, I now have joy and bliss. That is not to say I never feel sorrow or sadness anymore, or even anxiety and worry. I do. I feel it all, and that is the difference between now and my life in the past. (Just now, as I was writing, a bird flew right towards my open window and veered off at the last second. I got to see its underbelly and chest and wide-stretched fluttering wings up close. Bliss and joy!)

I let all emotions pass through me. I don’t resist whatever comes up, and therefore it doesn’t become stuck inside me. I say yes to frustration. I accept it for what it is and move on.

How does one move on from frustration? Accepting a situation for what it is and that I may be powerless to change anything about it, except maybe my attitude.

My husband and I are moving to North Carolina. That is our intent, anyway. We have put our house and home of 35 years on the market. Such a beautiful home! Why hasn’t anyone made an offer? What if the house hasn’t sold by the time my husband’s employer finds a replacement for him? What then?

Ah, future worries. And these are big life worries. It is appropriate to have anxiety and fear. But these feelings are not the only ones present. Gratefulness for this wonderful house in which we have raised two glorious children who are now extraordinary adults lives in my heart as well. Trust in the process, in the lessons of life. Patience for the changes that take time. These attitudes make room in my heart for joy and bliss, so fear and anxiety flow downstream.

Life is in constant flow. When water gets blocked by an obstruction, it pools, grows still, and becomes stagnant. To remove the obstruction, don’t resist whatever emotion or thought arises. Accept it, explore it, and let it go.

Accepting loosens the obstruction’s grip. Perhaps your own mind and heart are obstructions. Let go. Relax. Let the current flow.

May you find deep beauty and contentment in your being and soul today, even if only for a moment.

Namaste.

Neither afraid of the world, nor making the world afraid,
They are free from greed, anger, and fear.

When the waves of self-will subside
Into the peace that is the Self,
The mind becomes still, the heart pure,
And illumination comes to us in this very life.

"The Lamp of Wisdom" from Yoga Vasishtha

There is a wonderful book I like to read in small chunks because it is so potent. It is “Wake Up Grateful–The Transformative Practice of Taking Nothing for Granted,” by Kristi Nelson. She is the executive director of A Network for Grateful Living, which you can find at www.gratefulness.org. She writes:

“All the while, the great fullness of life with all its unanswerable questions, unexpected opportunities, and startling surprises carries on, inviting us to embrace not knowing and slide into the river of greater release and trust.”

I love that — “slide into the river of greater release and trust.”

One of my favorite prayers is, “Grant me, oh God, the blazing fire of faith to be the polestar of my life.” I thirstily gulp the KoolAid of faith, faith in a Higher Power, in the Divine Mystery of life and existence, of Being. I am alive. We are alive together, embracing this mystery. We don’t need to have all of the answers. We can let go of needing to know what comes next.

What would it be like to live life with no expectations but to humbly accept what comes our way with surprise?

And what if what comes our way is tragedy and sadness? Can we keep our hearts open even to that?

That is why I am here, why I built this blog so that we can do that together. Life certainly has its hardships and its joys. Can we not experience them in community, together, not alone?

I hold you in my heart with blessings and joy.

Gratefulness washes over me at odd times. I was standing at the kitchen sink looking out the window at my neighbor’s car, and suddenly gratefulness flooded me — that I was standing, that I could see this silver Ford sedan, that the sun was shining, that the leaves hanging over the carport were shaking in the breeze, that I could breathe, that I was alive!

I love these sudden intense feelings of gratitude that take me by surprise for the simplest of things.

And then there is you, complex and wonderful. I am grateful for you.

Much love,

Polly

The Possibility of Possibility

Cultivating presence helps me feel grounded. Perspective helps me feel more grace, and more grateful. Regaining a sense of possibility flows readily from these states and actually happen in short measure. But it is such a pleasure to pause for presence and perspective that I usually try to take my time.

The practice of grateful living is an end in itself.

Wake Up Grateful–The Transformative Practice of Taking Nothing for Granted, by Kristi Nelson

You are not alone. In your shame and isolation, you may feel alone but you are not. God is with you and so am I. Write to me, contact me. I have been in deep shame and isolation. I know what it is like. It takes courage to reach out. Yes, I understand. I hope you find the courage to embrace your heart.

 Khatum
  
 Most Merciful and Compassionate God,
 Give us Thy great Goodness;
 Teach us Thy loving Forgiveness;
 Raise us above the distinctions and
 Differences which divide us;
  
 Send us the Peace of Thy Divine Spirit,
 And unite us all in Thy Perfect Being. 

--Hazrat Inayat Khan

Feelings of shame often block self-love and intimacy with others. By talking about shame amongst spiritual friends, we unblock the flow of self-love a little more each time, encouraging self-love and Spirit to evolve freely within us.

Once a week for six weeks, from October 3-November 7, I invite you to explore with me the hurt of shame in a safe place of self-discovery where the group holds you in tolerance and compassion.

In this sacred circle, you can explore the trials of being human, suffering, and judgment, without suffering and judgment, where each person finds compassion for themselves and others through tolerance and acceptance.

This space, this Lotus Group, gives you an opportunity to share your feelings and stories of shame to illuminate greater clarity in your heart about your true nature, divine essence, and being as a sacred soul. Sharing in a sacred space, a sacred circle of intention, allows us to feel accepted among spiritual friends. Here is where we belong—in each other’s hearts, where we can be held and seen with dignity and love.

If you feel this is something you crave, a place where you are held, honored, and cherished by others and by yourself, where your self-love can blossom and grow like a lotus anchored and nourished by the muddy depths of your soul, I invite you to join me. Here we learn to accept, love, and cherish one another and ourselves just exactly how we are—muddy depths and glorious lotus blooms simultaneously.

This process is not therapy. It is spiritual identity and growth. It is a healing circle of spirituality, not psychology.

I am a life-long seeker who needs help and understanding as much as you. I call on my spirit guides to do just that—guide me, protect me, and call me to this sacred space of bearing witness.

I create this circle and welcome you within it.

Please come.

Enroll here: openhandsholyheart@gmail.com Sundays @ 10:00 a.m. -11:15 a.m. E.T., October 3-November 7, 2021

You are not the worst thing you’ve ever done.

Shame may make you feel like you are the worst thing you’ve ever done. But you aren’t. We are so much bigger, deeper, richer, vaster, and mysterious than the worst thing we have ever done.

Forgiveness is the key.  Forgiving ourselves for the worst thing we have ever done takes courage and humility. And time. It takes making amends to ourselves whom we have hurt most profoundly and making amends to others, to those we have hurt. It takes tears and patience.

Life takes courage, but thank God we have God to love us, and She does. “Be brave, my daughter.”

Yes, it hurts but be brave. You are not alone.

May you find compassion for yourself. May you find the courage to love life and forgive yourself.

You are Life itself. May you know that and love yourself and Life and God. Live the Mystery. Be the Mystery. Because you are.

The Way of Love

They are dear to me who run not after the pleasant
Or away from the painful, grieve not
Over the past, lust not today,
But let things come and go as they happen.

-- The Bhagavad Gita