Month: September 2022

We grow through grieving, pain and heartache.

Don’t give up.

But you must go through the pain. You must endure it, live it, not push it away.

There is beauty and love on the other side.

I make mistakes. I will continue to make mistakes. That’s how I learn and grow. Making mistakes doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. But recently my actions upset someone so much that they considered backing out of the project we were working on together.

I admire this person greatly, so her impulse to quit hurt a great deal and triggered old messages — that I was a bad person — headstrong, impulsive, inconsiderate, rash, and immature. I spent hours a day second guessing myself, cringing at what I had done, wondering how I could fix the situation. How could I fix her opinion of me? And then wondering, was my mistake so terrible?

In the end, I realized that even if sometimes I am all those things and someone needs to rethink their relationship with me, that is their choice. It hurts and I am sorry for it, but my relationship with me matters most of all.

Before asking this person if she’d like to work with me on this project, I prayed about it, asking God if it was a good idea. I got the green light, so to speak. This whole situation has been a wonderful opportunity for me to learn that no matter how much someone else’s opinion of me or reaction to me may hurt, I must trust in my goodness. I hope I never again think such thoughts about myself — that I am bad.  It’s been a valuable lesson to realize I’m still capable of them, especially as I step into public life sharing my innermost thoughts here and in various publications.

I call on Athena and Archangel Michael to protect me from the arrow stings of others, and the inner barbs of my own heart and mind. I endeavor to be my own greatest friend.

In the end, all I could do was say to this person, “I’m sorry. Yes, I was anxious and perhaps I acted rashly. I will do my best not to let it happen again.” As it stands we’re still working on the project together, so I’m guessing that’s my answer. I have forgiven myself. Now I must forgive her for thinking she couldn’t bear to work with me. I pray for us both. We all make mistakes.

"The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well."

-- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Powerlessness is difficult to accept. We want to fix, manage, and control other people and situations. Or at least have answers and assurance that everything will be okay. Well, if I have faith and trust in my higher power, then everything will be okay because it already is, right? Does this mean that anxiety equals a lack of trust and faith in my higher power? No, but it does mean I haven’t surrendered yet.

Anxiety is being uncomfortable with uncertainty. Peace and serenity are the opposite — being comfortable with uncertainty.

I pray to be comfortable with uncertainty. I can’t control what other people think of me, nor can I control their actions and decisions. If I have harmed or offended someone unintentionally, I hope to make amends, but I cannot control the outcome. I can only do my best, pray to know God’s will for me and the power to carry that out.

“Today may there be peace within.
May I trust that I am exactly where I am meant to be.
May I not forget the infinite possibilities
  that are born of faith in myself and others.
May I use the gifts that I have received and
  pass on the love that has been given to me.
May I be content with myself just the way I am.
Let this knowledge settle into my bones, and
allow my soul the freedom to dance, praise and love.
It is here for each and every one of us”

--Saint Theresa

Though I have found self-love and self-confidence in my adult years, the initial perception of “difference” between me and another person occasionally causes me to flinch psychically and emotionally as it did when I was a child. My unconscious thinking goes something like this—I am so different that people will reject me and find my experiences, thoughts and opinions objectionable. It’s an old habitual thought, but the hint of that knee-jerk reaction yet lives, even if only as a ghost, spooking me.

Today, I know each person I encounter is a unique spiritual gift, teaching me spirit lessons I came here to learn this time around. The difference between me and someone else is something to celebrate rather than fear. I overcome the fear of difference by feeling it, allowing it, acknowledging it, examining it, and questioning it. I do not run away in fear of the other. I stand and face difference vulnerably and with trust. This is me. This is who I am. Because you are different from myself, you help me to know who I am by revealing to me who I am not. And perhaps you help me to know who I am because we are the same in many ways.

"To love is the greatest gift of all. I know this now. I understand it in a way I could not possibly have before. I want to demonstrate this understanding to those I know and to those who have helped me in other lives."

 "Your Soul's Gift" by Richard Schwartz, p. 162