Month: May 2021

drawing by Ian McKay Hansen

Shame is not a character defect. How I respond to shame might be. I might go away and hide, or maybe I’ll think obsessively about the incident, or try to please the person who triggered the shame, get that person to like me or approve of me. When I do any of those things, I am not practicing self-love. What would be a more loving way to respond?

I’m exploring these questions now with a tender small group. We talk about shame and explore our responses to it. If in my typical response to shame I feel the need to hide, okay, I give myself permission to go ahead and hide under the virtual table or bed. I’ll come out when I feel stronger and safer. Maybe I can approach the situation or person that triggered that shame response in me and explain that I felt misunderstood by so-and-so’s reaction. Certainly, this is difficult to do and challenging, but such an act is also filled with self-love and compassion and gives the other person a chance to respond with compassion as well.

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. What are your shame moments? What causes them? How do you deal with them?

Let’s share and help one another.

Love,

Polly

The Path

I know the path: it is straight and narrow.
It is like the edge of a sword.

I rejoice to walk on it.
I weep when I slip.

God’s word is:
“He who strives never perishes.”

I have implicit faith in that promise.

Though, therefore, from my weakness
    I fail a thousand times,
I shall not lose faith.

                                      --Mahatma Gandhi

Let us be gentle with one another.

There are so many of us there is no way we can please everyone. Even when I have the best intentions, someone will take issue with it. I will insult someone through my blindness to their needs or because my needs run counter to theirs.

That person has every right to say then how she feels about my action. I can make amends if I wish and feel that is appropriate. Or I may feel grounded in myself and not judge myself as out-of-line. I can say I hear you, thank you, and leave it at that. But I don’t have to bend backward in apology or abject criticism of myself saying bad, Polly, bad just because someone is unhappy with my decision or self-expression.

Criticism by others of me hurts, but unmerited self-criticism hurts worst.

Sure, there are times when I benefit from taking stock of my bad habits that are harmful to me and others. Maybe I gossip. Maybe I poke my nose in other people’s business when I should focus on myself.

But aside from honest self-examination, habitually thinking I am rotten or have something wrong with me because of what I want or who I am harms me profoundly.

So, how do we stop doing that? How do we control the old messages that say, “I’m not good enough,” or “There’s something wrong with me,” or “I am a mistake”?

You are not a mistake. I am not a mistake. We are glorious beings created by God, Goddess, Divine Light, Self, Brahman, learning how to be.

And because we are human, learning how to be is difficult. It’s painful. Why do it alone?

Let us explore the wonders of being human together. All the joy, pain, and shame we feel, we feel together. We are not alone. We feel the same things. Come out of isolation.

I’ll be here. Join me.

Errors by my hand or foot,

by my speech, or body,

by my ears, eyes, or thought;

whether by what I’ve done or failed to do,

dear Lord, forgive all these.

O ocean of mercy, God of gods,

bestower of blissful peace,

victory unto you!

— Soul of My Soul, by Shankara, 8th century Hindu monk

Shame has been a kink in my spiritual flow of abundance for years. Of all the emotions, it’s the most uncomfortable one for me and, I suspect, for many people. Shame is ancient. It’s one of the first emotions mentioned in the Old Testament; Adam and Eve are banished from the Garden of Eden, fig leaves at the ready. How humiliating.

That’s what shame feels like – utter humiliation.

Most of us who feel shame try to hide from the emotion. We avoid thinking about the act or situation that brought on the embarrassment. Our spirit grows dark as the shame kink tightens the flow of abundance in our hearts.

But what if, instead of hiding from shame, we honored it? What if we gave the shame in our hearts space and attention? What if we invited it to teach us lessons about ourselves, lessons that point to our bright spirit, telling us of the depths of love and beauty within rather than seeing shame as a crippling wound of unworthiness?

I would love to collaborate with others in creating a ritual to honor our shame and release it. I believe that by sitting together perhaps in silent or guided meditation and holding a sacred space around our shame, the tight, hot ball of it will loosen. Shame will release its lessons to us, and the flow of abundance and love will expand in our hearts.

Perhaps we can drum and chant together, sing together, write stories, draw, dance — whatever creativity the released flow of energy draws forth.

It could be a ritual of a couple of hours or more. Or maybe even less! We could offer the celebration in a series, each ritual building upon the other.

Please comment here or reach out to me if you are interested. I realize I may be alone in this. That is my fear, and it feels like shame! But if that is the case, so be it. I release my shame to the universe! I speak my truth and the Self I claim to be.

Much love,

Polly

“That which makes the mind think,

but cannot be thought by the mind,

that is the Self indeed.

The Self is not someone other than you.”

— The Kena Upanishad

Realizing our powerlessness over another person is a good thing. When we keep the focus on ourselves, we face less strife. If I don’t try to manage everyone else’s life, I’ll create more peace in the world by taking care of myself and not everyone else.

I can say what I need, not, “I think you should_____.” I can say things like, “I’d like to talk about what just happened. Would you be willing to put down your book and talk with me?”  I could also say, “I wish you’d stop reading your book and make some comment about what just happened.” The later shows less ownership, less self-voice.

Mother Theresa wrote, “Even God cannot fill what is full,” and “We need forgiveness to become empty.”

I am finally becoming emptier. I have less of an agenda. I am able to forgive myself, and thus I am able to forgive others. I have more room for God. There is less me taking up space. I like that. Less me, please.

It’s paradoxical. I focus on taking care of myself instead of trying to fix, manage, and control others. I become emptier by focusing on powerlessness.

We are wonderful, beautiful, sacred, deeply spiritual beings. Despite our pain and suffering, we are splendid and divine. I don’t know why I have lived the life I have, raped at age five, attracted to an older man at age 14, sex trafficked at age 16. I felt validated through sex until I didn’t. I felt shame. Many of us have and do, but we can put that suffering behind us. We can forgive ourselves and heal together. We can recover the purity of our souls, our being, we can find blessedness in who we are together. I reach out in love and compassion to you who may still suffer from whatever shame you feel or once felt that haunts you still. Forgiveness and unity are truly the answers. Suffer not in silence.

“Let your love flow outward through the universe,

To its height, its depth, its broad extent,

A limitless love, without hatred or enmity.

Then, as you stand or walk,

Sit or lie down,

As long as you are awake,

Strive for this with a one-pointed mind;

Your life will bring heaven to earth.”

The Sutta Nipata – a Buddhist scripture