The recent lesson of letting go of urgency and the need to act immediately is still sinking in. I realize now my sleeplessness has been caused by this feeling that I need to make things happen, when in fact, I do not control the world. I am powerless over it.
When we fight and fight and fight for something over which we have no control, like whether the horse drinks the water or not is crazy making. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. It’s up to the horse and there a lot of horses out there. I guess I’m looking for the thirsty ones that want my particular brand of water.
The lesson I have learned is to let go and let God. I have done the work (written my memoir), I have planted the seeds. I have put it out there. I’ve been trying to force agents and literary journals to take it. Many have said no thanks. A couple of journals have said yes and have published a chapter or two. Now, I just need to wait and let the process unfold.
My writing isn’t the only area I have felt urgency. I feel urgency lots and lots of times during the day. I’m meditating and the thought pops into my head that it’s been nearly two weeks and we still don’t have the lab results from the blood tests on our pup. I need to stop meditating and write myself a note so I don’t forget.
I need to let go and let God over and over again.
No, I don’t.
I need to relax and meditate, sit in silence and stillness. The lab results will come. Or the thought will occur to me when I’m not meditating, and I can call the vet then. I need to let go and let God over and over again. It’s a constant refrain throughout my day. It allows me to relax. And sleep.
In spite of our best efforts to work our programs and lean on God's guidance, we sometimes don't understand what's going on in our life. We trust, wait, pray, listen to people, listen to ourselves, and the answer still does not come. During those times, we need to understand that we are right where we need to be, even though that place may feel awkward and uncomfortable. Our life does have purpose and direction. "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie, p. 70