I can be on the phone with a stranger I’ve just met and be completely in tune with her because of our shared experience. I can love her immediately because the pain of our past makes us sisters. I’m speaking specifically of not loving myself, not treating myself well.
I understand what it is to let others do and say things to you that hurt. I did that for years as a child, as a teen, and as a mother. Consequently, I felt wretched. Nor was I able to contain my feelings. My emotions ran amok like wild animals in a cage. No, like mutant fish evolving into monstrosities that crawled out of the mucky tank, horrifying and ugly and scary. Are you with me? Do you know what I’m talking about? I’ve been in that horrible darkness and wanted out.
But the way out is through, not around, not in denial. You must go inside to where all that dark stuff is.
But don’t go there alone. Go with help. Good, strong, understanding, competent help. I was lucky to find it. I had many human guides, many good therapists, and friends. None of them were perfect, and all had their limitations. That is why we also need to call upon Spirit. Spirit guides us, loves us, and protects us when we ask it to.
Spirit is not pushy or assertive. Spirit has exquisite manners and will only come when bidden.
But even then, I didn’t always remember to listen. That takes discipline. Once I said hello to Spirit and acknowledged Spirit in my consciousness and in my heart every day, my life turned around. I changed my attitude, began to take better care of myself, and to treat myself and others well. I realized that what I need and want is to both ask for and accept help when given. And to be grateful for it.
For too many years I tried to survive on my own, to do everything my way. I didn’t trust anyone. Spirit would try to help, and I would push it away, which was crazy because I was so miserable!
I was afraid to be vulnerable because I’d been hurt by people so many times before. I allowed them to take advantage of my innocence, many who were so sick themselves they had completely lost their way and had devolved into those kinds of creatures that filled my fish tank – dank, ugly, awful mutations of horror.
It took a long time, but I have learned to love and value myself. I discovered that I have a voice and that I need to speak up and use it. That’s how I treat myself well, by checking in with Spirit and confirming what I know to be true and then letting others know how I feel by saying yes, I want this, or no, I do not want that. These are my boundaries and you have violated them, or you respect my boundaries, and I am grateful.
None of us have to walk this path to selfhood alone. I now reach out to others. Let’s share our journeys. We don’t have to walk them alone.
“And all day long she sings softly to herself for joy, saying: Shall I show thee what God is? No one finds peace apart from [h]er.”
Saint Catherine of Genoa – A Sea of Peace