Last week I was in San Antonio for a public speaking engagement. I was telling my life story to a group of people who have been adversely affected by someone else’s sexual behavior. Leading up to the talk, I worried that what I had to say was self-serving and egotistical and would help no one, fearful about how I would be received, that my story was too shameful.
That was egotistical of me. Why?
Because….
The event wasn’t about me!
The event was about people sharing and learning from one another. My being there was not about glorifying myself. It was about being of service. I understood that in hindsight with prayer and a change of attitude.
After my presentation several people congratulated me and said I’d done a great job. One attendee said, “That’s one of the best talks we’ve had for this event.”
I said, “Thank you,” but thought, Not the best? As if because there were other talks as good as mine, mine wasn’t good enough. Now, to me, that’s shameful.
Where does this neediness and competition come from?
Not liking that about myself, I explored it further. Where does this neediness and competition come from? Why, after all these years and all the hard work I’ve done, is that idea still wedged in my heart?
I think it’s a matter of faith and habit. My Higher Power placed me in that room of damaged people because She knew I had something to say that could help them. How I helped was not up to me. How was in God’s hands. Several people came up to me afterwards and said, “That bit about [blank] I really related to,” or, “I’m so glad you said that because I thought I was the only one.”
Words take on meaning for the listener or reader
My presentation was about all the people in the room, not about me. And that’s what any speech or writing is about. An author’s words take on meaning for the listener or reader. That’s what makes the work valuable, not the author.
Now I realize that in my nervousness and self-doubt I was second-guessing God. In my journey as a writer and public speaker I hope never to second-guess God again. I am but a vessel, sharing my experience, strength, and hope. In the future, I shall perceive public speaking not as self-aggrandizement, but as an opportunity to do God’s will.