Here’s a prayer: Help me to stop blaming people for their illnesses. Those illnesses may include selfishness, narcissism, addiction to alcohol, drugs, pornography, or gambling. Their behaviors may affect my life profoundly, may make me sad and angry. I have a right to those feelings, but I might not lose my cool so readily if I distance myself from the disease and have compassion for the person.
Who knows what kinds of trauma our loved ones may have experienced that they have never grown past? And even when we do know some of it, we’ll never know the full extent of the deep pain that caused them to create unhealthy coping mechanisms, or to self-medicate with whatever.
My coping mechanism as a teen and young adult was narcissism. I isolated and did whatever the hell I wanted while trying to get everyone to like me. Bad combo. I’d often be mystified as to why people became extremely annoyed with me or even enraged. I was just taking care of myself, doing what I thought I had to do to survive without thinking of the consequences. My actions often affected people negatively. They were inconvenienced, betrayed, lied to, manipulated, and hurt by my selfishness. I gradually learned to be accountable and take responsibility for my actions, especially when I saw their negative effects on others. Painful lessons. It takes a dose of humility to say “I’m sorry.”
Narcissists find apologies extremely difficult to make. Making amends may not even be on their radar. We who live with narcissists must accept them as they are and not try to change their behavior. To do so is to lose our sanity, our own mental health. All we can do is take care of ourselves.
“I do not like your behavior right now. I do not want to be with you.”
I take care of myself by honoring my boundaries, even when I can’t get someone else to. If someone is behaving badly, I leave the room, take a break from their presence, do something for myself. I limit my exposure to sick behavior. If it’s a family member or loved one, I do what I can to be of service, but I have my limits. When someone crosses my boundaries, I’m out of there.
Knowing that I can’t change or control someone helps me stay sane, keeps me grounded. I am only in control of myself, and even then sometimes I might be powerless over how I feel. That’s why I pray—to feel guided, protected, and loved. When I pray, when I focus on that guidance and love, it gives me the grace to be patient, loving, and kind in return.
“Hate the behavior, not the soul.”
Sometimes I have to say to someone who has crossed the line, “I do not like your behavior right now. I do not want to be with you.” The recipient of this message may well honor it. If they have followed me into my sanctuary, she may leave it after hearing this. No one likes to hear that their presence is not wanted. Then I’ll breathe deeply, and if I’m a caretaker and can’t leave the house, maybe read poetry, or prayers, or listen to music, or watch my favorite show on Netflix until I calm down.
If I need extra help, I might turn to a mantra like this one:
“Kindle in me, oh Lord, the blazing fire of faith To be the pole star of my life.”
That’s one of my favorites. It inspires me to believe that help is present, and that I am okay and well loved and cared for.
I hope the next time you deal with an unpleasant person in your life that you care for deeply but whom you also sometimes hate because of their sick, selfish behavior, try to distance yourself from their disease. Try to hate the behavior, not the soul. This practice helps me to accept the person as they are. Simply accept. Sure, it may be sad, because it’s such a tragic waste of life. But it’s that person’s life, not yours. Now, is that selfish? No. It is realistic. It is life on life’s terms.