Author: Polly Hansen

Some days are a “first things first” kind of day. Like when things go so badly, or you’ve been through a rough night, that you throw your hands in the air and say, “I give up. I am powerless. Show me the way.”

I have learned that the key to my serenity on these kinds of days is to let go of any agenda I may have had, to let go of expectations, and to trust that my higher power has everything under control, because certainly, I don’t.

So, I shouldn’t even try. I should just let go, and let God.

And if I don’t have faith, if I don’t believe in God, I can believe in the munificence of Life itself, and know that I can only take care of myself, and hope for the best.

However, I can also pray for faith. Living a life with no faith, I am lost.

Prayer

“Do not look with fear

            on the changes and chances of this life;

            rather look to them with full faith that as they arise,

            God – whose you are – will deliver you out of them.

Do not anticipate what will happen tomorrow.

The same everlasting Father who cares for you today

            will take care of you tomorrow and every day.

Either He will shield you from suffering or

He will give you unfailing strength to bear it.”

— Saint Francis De Sales

“Kindle in me, O Lord, the blazing fire of faith

To be the pole-star of my life!”

— Sri Ramakrisha, from “Thou One Without a Second”

When I was suffering and at my worst as a mother of two small children, I once consulted the I Ching, an ancient Chinese divination tool that imparts spiritual wisdom and sage advice. It gave me the admonition to pray and meditate, implying that that would go a long way toward solving my problems and the anguish in my heart.

Meditate? I don’t have time to do that! I want answers now! (You know, like that old joke, “Dear God, give me patience now!”)

I decided instead that I needed a walk in the woods. I decided I sorely needed a hit of nature, and that I hadn’t spent enough time in it. So I took my kids into the forest, and, as they were not pleased and were tired, and would much rather sit down and not budge, I screamed at a tree until my throat was raw, furious that God was not helping me!

I had plenty of tantrums in those days, which did nothing to soothe my battered heart. I wanted immediate answers, immediate soothing, immediate solutions.

But it had taken years for me to get to where I was — angry, sad, dissatisfied, and I was pouting in a horrible way. That’s not to say I wasn’t genuinely sad and depressed and in a bad state. I was.

What I’m saying is that if I had tolerated sitting in prayer and meditation faithfully everyday, even if for just for five minutes at a time, I am certain I would have found a way out of my darkness a lot sooner than I did.

Dwell, O Mind, within yourself;

Enter no other’s home.

If you but seek there, you will find

All you are searching for.

God, the true Philosopher’s Stone,

Who answers every prayer,

Lies hidden deep within your heart,

The richest gem of all.

How many pearls and precious stones

Are scattered all about

The outer court that lies before

The chamber of your heart!

–A Song of Sri Ramakrishna

Self-love hasn’t come easy for me. What I felt for years was self-hatred; hatred for the pain I felt, the shame I experienced, the things I’d said and done, or the things that were said and done to me. But that feeling, that attitude thankfully changed. How? By embracing the pain, embracing the shame, the fear, by looking at each and all those painful feelings deep within myself, and not flinching. Easily said. Hard to do. But if you want to do the same, I will be there with you. I will share a bit of how I came to believe in myself, and the things that helped me, things like readings, spiritual exercises, people, and so on, plus some of the struggles and setbacks I’ve had on the journey to self-love. But one thing I’ve never done is give up. I never completely gave up on myself. That part of me, that solid nugget, though at times buried and hidden within, has always been there. And it is in you, too. Just have faith that it is there. Have faith that you will find it.

And a word of note.

This is definitely and foremost a spiritual blog. It is not my intention to proselytize any particular denomination or religion. My feeling is that they all have something to offer. And to be completely transparent, as of this writing I don’t belong to, or attend any kind of house of worship other than my own meditation corner of my bedroom, and the moment by moment walks in this life with my God and spiritual guides.

And with that said — welcome!