The day I returned to God once and for all was on a quiet Sunday morning in 2013. It was summer. I had walked into town for milk and was on my way home, enjoying the quiet and brilliant blue sky when, while walking past the empty train station platform, a loud crackle interrupted the silence. “ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS! ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS! THE INBOUND TRAIN WILL BE DELAYED BY TWENTY MINUTES! The obnoxiously loud message repeated three times.
It jangled my nerves. How dare that stupid announcement disturb my serenity! The empty parking lot was a block long. I was in the middle of it when static crackled: “ATTENTION!” As before, the message repeated three times. It seemed to go on forever. I tried plugging my ears, which was difficult with a half-gallon of milk on my arm.
Blessed relief
Silence finally reigned once more. I tried to relax, but was resentful. Static crackled again. This time I ran from the hateful intrusion. Just then, a strong gust of wind came out of nowhere causing turbulence in my ears that completely masked the horrible announcement. Blessed relief! As soon as the announcement ended, the wind stopped. All was still. On I walked, grateful the wind had come at just that moment, and marveling at the coincidence.
Just then, a strong gust of wind came out of nowhere.
And then I wondered as I approached the railroad crossing: Was that a coincidence, or something else? I stood on the incline from which I could see my house a block away. Was that you God?
Distinctly in my head, I heard, “It is if you want it to be.”
Tears stung my eyes. “Really?”
“Yes, Polly. I have always been here for you. I am here for you now.”
In that moment I surrendered to my faith in God and have never looked back.
Life on life’s terms
Trying to live life under my own power and control was exhausting and didn’t make me happy. The timing was exquisite, because one month later, a tragedy befell me that I believe would have destroyed me had I not returned to faith in a higher power. Surrendering to faith has given me the serenity I craved and the grace to accept life on life’s terms.
I used to believe only therapy and psychology could do that for me. I have come to believe only God can. I cherish my faith and am happier for it.
This line from a prayer by Sri Ramakrishna is still one of my all-time favorites:
Kindle in me, O Lord, the blazing fire of faith to be the polestar of my life.
My faith is my polestar, guiding me in the dark. On cloudy nights when I cannot see it, I know it is there; I know my doubt will pass. God is here for us, guiding us. We need only to choose and listen. The outcome may not be what we expected or wanted, but it will always be what we needed.
You can use the passage above in meditation as prescribed by Eknath Easwaran. Follow this link for more information: https://www.bmcm.org/learn/getting-startedoverview/
To learn about my memoir A Minor, Unaccompanied, click here: https://pollyhansen.com/nasty-girl/