A few years ago, I often got stuck in the old seeking-approval rut, the “I’m-not-good-enough” rut, the “people-don’t-like-me” rut. I rarely get snagged there anymore, except when I’m scrolling through social media posts and comparing mine to others, thinking I don’t generate as many “likes” as they do. Thankfully, the fall doesn’t last nearly as long as it used to. I pick myself up fairly quickly, dust myself off, and continue on my journey towards self-love. I do that with the help of spiritual tools such as readings, prayer, journaling, and admitting this fault to a trusted friend or two.
In her book Comfortable with Uncertainty, 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion, American Buddhist nun, Pema Chödrôn writes about suffering. “[We suffer when] we proceed as if we are separate from everything else, as if we are a fixed identity, when our true situation is egoless. Because we mistake the openness of our being for a solid, irrefutable self, we suffer.” [From Teaching #27: “The Facts of Life: Suffering”]
We look for happiness in all the wrong places
Chödrôn goes on to say “[W]e look for happiness in all the wrong places. The Buddha called this habit ‘mistaking suffering for happiness.’ We become habituated to reaching for something to ease the edginess of the moment. Thus we become less and less able to reside with even the most fleeting uneasiness or discomfort. What begins as a slight shift of energy – a minor tightening of our stomach, a vague indefinable feeling that something bad is about to happen – escalates into addiction. This is our way of trying to make life predictable. Because we mistake what always results in suffering to be what will bring us happiness, we remain stuck in the repetitious habit of escalating our dissatisfaction.
Yes! Such as when I yearned for approval from others and wondered, How can I change myself to get people to like me? That is the “repetitious habit” Chödrôn speaks of, the addiction to easing the discomfort, to easing the “edginess of the moment” rather than simply sitting with it.
What happens when I focus on the discomfort rather than trying to make it go away?
And what happens when I sit in silence and do nothing? What happens when I focus on the discomfort rather than trying to make it go away?
I find compassion for myself.
And isn’t that what I wanted all along? Reassurance that I am a worthy human being?
I am humbled by my imperfections
I wrote a version of this article over four years ago and I see now how much I have progressed towards self-love and self-acceptance, which includes accepting my imperfections. I am humbled by them.
We suffer when we tell ourselves, “I’m not good enough.” Maybe I think my writing isn’t good enough, or my work ethic isn’t what it should be, or I eat too much, or I complain too much. I am not this or that, instead of, I am this or that. Period. I am this. Whatever it is. I am impatient. True. I am often frustrated. True. I am often wrong. True. I am sometimes unkind. True.
And I am lovable. Even likable. I am all these things.
And God still loves me. I still love me. People that matter to me most love me.
Like authors hoping to find their ideal readers
This seeking approval from others, which rises from that discomfort Chödrôn speaks, no longer plagues me as it used to. Now, I seek my own approval, or rather, self-acceptance, which includes my many faults. Not everyone is going to like me. It’s insanity to think otherwise. As far as approval is concerned, it’s kind of like an author hoping to find her ideal readers. Not everyone likes the same kind of books. It’s the same with people. We need to find the people who like us despite our flaws. We don’t need anyone’s “approval.”
Today, I accept myself just as I am, and can change what I don’t like about me, such as my impatience, with awareness and practice. I don’t need anyone’s approval but my own. And God’s, which I already have. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to become more fully accepting and self-loving. It is my life’s journey. I hope it is yours, too.
A version of this article was originally