It was hard to admit I played a part in the sexual abuse I suffered as a teen. Finding what my part was changed my life. I found self-forgiveness, reclaimed my self-agency, and stopped feeling like a victim. Today, I’m a happy, confident person.
From age fourteen to age seventeen, I engaged in a sexual relationship with a man eleven years older than me who lived in my neighborhood. My family life was a wreck, my parents’ marriage was falling apart, and I had no friends my own age. Sex with “Hugo” was like a form of cutting, a way to numb the horrible loneliness I felt and convince myself I was loved and cherished by someone if not by my parents.
As an adult, it took years of therapy to recover from the pain of not just that experience, but what led up to it–my parents’ neglect. For example, when I introduced them to this guy saying he was my friend, they said he was charming and eccentric and an okay friend for me to have.
I finally began to know my boundaries outside my skin
In my mid-twenties I worked with a therapist who did body work to tap emotions locked inside muscle tissue. During one of our sessions, she did an experiment to find out where my physical boundaries were—at what distance did I feel most comfortable with people. She stood across the room and then approached me and asked me to tell her when she got too close. She got to within an inch of my face before I told her to stop, and even then I wasn’t sure.
“It’s as if your personal boundaries are beneath your skin.”
“It’s as if your personal boundaries are beneath your skin,” she said.
It wasn’t until I joined a Twelve-Step program when I was in my fifties and did a Step Four moral inventory looking at all my so-called “character defects” and subsequently did a Step Five where I shared that inventory with a trusted friend that I finally began to see what my part was in the abuse.
Self-Forgiveness and Self-Agency Makes a Happy, Confident Person
During my inventory I made a list of resentments towards each man who had abused me—the name of the person, what the resentment was, how it affected my life, and my part in it. At first I thought, my part? No way! But I continued with the Step. It wasn’t just Hugo’s name on my list. After Hugo and even during Hugo, there were others. What I discovered was that I had given myself away each time. I had lost my voice and didn’t protect myself. I never said, “No, I don’t like this. I don’t want this.” I let men use me however they wanted to.
That awareness was excruciating. I wept copiously. But the magic of Step Five was that I shared my shame with someone I trusted—my program sponsor in this case, who had done their own Step Five with their sponsor. They didn’t judge me, simply listened with tears in their eyes while holding my hand. I felt loved and accepted and so profoundly grateful to finally learn that I could take full responsibility for myself. I had given up my agency in the past, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t take it back. I could and I did
I learned to say no—to friends, acquaintances, and most especially to my husband. I found that people who loved and respected me accepted my “no” and my boundaries. That has been so healing for me.
I refuse to abandon myself
Today, I maintain personal boundaries out of a healthy respect for who I am. If I don’t feel safe in a situation, like for example in a Twelve-Step meeting if someone is not following the sharing guidelines and I don’t feel safe, I’ll raise my hand and say so. When my husband used to touch me in ways I didn’t like, I kept my mouth shut for fear of hurting his feelings. Fear of abandonment was the real issue. Not today. I refuse to abandon myself.
I don’t have the power to change anyone, but I do have the power to protect myself. I forgive my parents for not showing me how to establish boundaries. Most of all I forgive myself for being a poor steward of me. Today I proudly and firmly take agency over my well-being.
To learn about my memoir A Minor, Unaccompanied, click here: https://pollyhansen.com/nasty-girl/
To learn more about teen cutting and self-injury visit:
https://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/teen-cutting-and-self-injury