I was walking my dogs the other day when we passed a telephone pole with a thin cable running down the side that had come a little loose. I wondered what it was for and what would happen if someone snipped it. And then I noticed every telephone pole had this vulnerable wire that, if clipped, would it cause chaos for the phone company and the neighborhood? And then I imagined myself doing such a thing, sneaking out late at night with a pair of clippers and wreaking havoc.
That ability to do something rash, to make a difference, albeit a negative one, exists in all of us. But what about that impulse? Does that exist in everyone? What inspired that unbidden thought? I think it’s that choice fascinates me—the potential to do right or wrong, the proverbial angel and devil that sits on our shoulders.
Nothing is stopping us, except the desire to live.
Most of us go through life choosing stability instead of chaos. We drive our cars on our side of the street and don’t veer across the line into oncoming traffic. It would be so easy to do. Nothing is stopping us, except the desire to live. That’s a huge desire—to live in peace and harmony. Otherwise, there’d be chaos left and right; and yet, every day, at least in most settled parts of the world, there isn’t chaos.
I’m talking about impulse control disorders.
Let’s go back to my telephone pole. What on earth gave me that idea to begin with? I guess it was noticing it was there and wondering what it was for. But why the impulse to disrupt its purpose? Why the thought of chaos? Why the thought of upsetting the status quo? To feel powerful? To see if I matter? If I have an impact? Do I exist? I wonder if that’s what these kids shooting up their schools are doing—having an existential crisis? They almost always shoot themselves in the end. Do they plan to all along? Such despair.
Is that why people choose to commit harm, because they feel powerless and want to feel powerful?
Does that mean I’m experiencing a certain amount of despair? Do I think, or at least does some small part of me think, I don’t exist, or questions my being? Shall I snip this telephone wire and find out?
When I was a teenager, I often had impulses towards chaos. Like what would happen if I fell off this cliff, or dove into that crystal clear, but deadly cold water? Perhaps this unbidden telephone-wire thought was a vestige of my teenage impulse control disorder–a time when I had no peace, no power, only emotional upset, and certain impulses would distract me from that pain.
Is that why people choose to commit harm, because they feel powerless and want to feel powerful? Or because it distracts them from pain? Or because they want everyone to feel the same level of pain? Maybe that’s why the current White House occupant does what he does—to feel powerful because deep down inside he feels like a squashed frog?
It’s almost like having the power of God
Choice. It comes back to that. I think I’m tempted to create chaos only as a thought experiment. I’m fascinated by my right to choose, which some say is God-given free will. It’s almost like having the power of God—the right to choose between right and wrong. It shows trust, whereas our government has taken away many choices.
This reminds me of the story about Satan tempting Jesus in the desert. Jesus makes a choice not to be tempted by unlimited power. And then again on the cross, when people taunted him and said, “If you’re the messiah, then save yourself!” If he could create miracles, believers think certainly he could have willed the nails from his hands and feet, sealed up the holes and walked away. Supposing he could have done such a thing, would it have been like a sober alcoholic taking one sip? Would Jesus have gone on a bender, healing people left and right, knocking down walls, punishing all the bad guys? Would Jesus have become destructive in his almighty power?
Would Jesus have gone on a bender, healing people left and right?
I didn’t clip the wire on the telephone pole
Maybe the Bible authors were making the point that Jesus chose peace. He chose sanity, he chose the status quo. Maybe the fact that Jesus didn’t do anything when he could have, if you believe, was the miracle. He knew it would have created havoc, would have sent him down that dark hole of power abuse. Maybe that’s the meaning of his last words, “It is finished.” He wasn’t tempted anymore. He’d passed the test.
I didn’t clip the wire on the telephone pole. Of course not. The point is, I could have. I could still. We could all do a lot of things we choose not to. Occasionally, we slip. The alcoholic drinks, the sexaholic looks at porn, the president in the White House smashes the government to pieces. Except that’s not a slip. That’s the plan. The reign of chaos is upon us.
However, I still have faith in the common decency and sense of humans, despite evidence to the contrary. Every day, we choose to drive on our side of the street. It’s a fact I don’t take for granted, and one that gives me hope.
Read last week’s post here: How to end self-inflicted emotional suffering
