Have you done an awesome thing you were afraid to do lately, like jump into a cold mountain stream only to be rewarded with pure joy?
I hope this summer brings you at least one of these kinds of experiences.
I experienced one such blissful moment recently. My husband and I have scheduled outings every Friday. This past week we went to Skinny Dip Falls in the Pisgah National Forest. No one was skinny dipping though.
The water looked so inviting and it was a hot day, but it was so cold! 55 degrees! I dove in anyway and rose out of the water shrieking. But then I dove in again and swam underwater to the waterfall. Pure bliss.
The reward of bravery is precious fulfillment. I’m not talking about folly. There’s a difference. Folly is when you don’t take into consideration the likely negative consequences and do it anyway. Bravery is when you commit to a challenge that has potentially beneficial outcomes.
If you are faced with an opportunity that looks awesome, but frightening, I encourage you to take the plunge. I’ll bet you’ll be rewarded with bliss.
Years ago I hated myself and treated myself accordingly. I tried to manipulate others to get my way. How happy I am that life has given me second chances over and over again. To make mistakes and learn from them, to get it right—to get me right.
Yesterday I was on a Zoom meeting with over 30 volunteers giving their time to a beloved organization to assure its health and longevity. We were online from noon to five and in that time everyone was kind, loving, giving, cordial, polite and conscientious. I felt grateful to be amongst such healthy people—so lively, vibrant, and caring. They mirrored my own spiritual development.
Happiness and Service to Others
Whereas earlier in my life I resented anyone asking for my help, or to go out of my way for them, today I am eager and grateful to be of service. It is a wonderful way to live. I am so grateful to God for showing me this new way of being. She presents us with just the right lessons exquisitely tailored to our needs. She gives us opportunities to learn precisely what we need to know in order to grow in awareness and enable change within ourselves.
Being of service to others or to something greater than myself is one of the many ways I grow and become a happier person. I am enjoying the fruits of those lessons, namely, patience and gratitude.
When I was six years old my mother took me to a roller-skating rink. I had never been on skates before and hated the way my feet rolled out from under me. I clung to the wall in misery as I made my way around the rink. My mother enjoyed herself in the center doing twirls and circles.
Around I went until I noticed I was the only person on the rink. What was going on? When I approached the opening, people were calling my name, yelling and laughing. Arms reached for me, hands grabbing. Terrified, I avoided them and continued on my way, vaguely aware that a man and a woman were performing in the center of the rink.
I’ll bet very few people were watching the professional skaters. Instead, they were watching this little girl clinging to the wall, going around yet again. What on earth was she doing?
Humiliated and embarrassed, I ran into the bathroom and hid
When I approached the exit a second time, hands pulled me off the rink into a crowd of laughing adults and children. Humiliated and embarrassed, the moment my mother removed the skates from me feet I ran into the bathroom and hid in a stall.
Is this experience an emblem of my life—me struggling in places I shouldn’t be, but refusing help and needing to be rescued?
We all make mistakes. The last thing we need is an audience. I hated being the center of humiliating attention where an arena of strangers laughed and pointed at me. And yet, since then I’ve made myself the center of humiliating attention time and again.
Sorry, I don’t know
When I was performing a flute concerto from memory in Orchestra Hall with my university orchestra, I lost my place and completely botched the performance. My French teacher was sitting front and center, a look of horror on his face as his grin slid into a grimace. Another time I was hired as a consultant for a state arts commission to speak about corporate sponsorship of the arts, but I didn’t know enough about it. I had to say, “Sorry, I don’t know, but I’ll get back to you,” repeatedly to a room of 300 people.
I forgive myself for the mistakes I have made. That gives me confidence.
And I’m about to do it again. With my memoir this time, where I write about all the terrifying, humiliating, and shameful things I have done in my life. Why?
Because I survived. And because it’s a good story. I didn’t get all the guidance I needed when I was little. Adults didn’t watch over me, teaching me, helping me, but I survived and learned to thrive. Learning to love myself and treat myself and others well has been my journey. I forgive myself for the mistakes I have made, and forgive others for hurting or abandoning me. That gives me confidence to stop abandoning myself. That’s a good story.
So, this time when I enter the arena I will be ready. I cannot control the outcome, but when I get published, I will be prepared to face the audience with confidence. This is my story, and I am ready to be of service, hoping it may help someone.
When my mother was pregnant with me, she begged her obstetrician for an abortion. She didn’t want to be pregnant yet again, didn’t want another child. Yet, she had no choice. She had to give birth to me.
“I adored you the moment you popped out, of course,” she says.
The last time she told me this abortion story, she was 95 and I was 67. She’s been telling me this story all my life. I’ve spent decades wondering why and whether she really loves me. Letting me leave home at age 15, abandoning me in my own apartment at age 17, not wanting to see my firstborn, her first grandchild, until he was older and more interesting. (“Newborns are so boring. They don’t do anything.”) So many reasons to wonder—did she adore me?
I used to take her treatment of me personally. It hurt deeply, having a mother who didn’t seem to care all that much whether I existed. But I have learned what matters is that I love myself and have found others who love me as well. My mother’s lack of depth or intimacy needn’t hold me back from becoming all that I can be. I don’t take her treatment of me personally anymore.
A Change of Attitude
It takes a change of attitude to see ourselves as worthy of love and to let go of the resentments towards those who have hurt us. That can take a lot of work. Painful work. But it is worthwhile facing it.
It takes a change of attitude to see ourselves as worthy of love and to let go of the resentments towards those who have hurt us.
How I started out in life wasn’t my choice. How I have continued in life is my choice. I chose to love me. I wish everyone made that choice, although it’s hard work getting to that point of self-love. It was for me anyway.
When I was 21, it was my most fervent dream to believe I was good—innately good, and to feel it and be it and operate from that truth. It took decades for me to embody that truth, even though I was good from the very beginning. At first it was just a dream, a hope, and then I began to believe I am love.
It is true for all of us. Many of us just don’t know it or believe it yet. But you will. If that is what you want to believe, you will know you are love.
I found the goodness within me and believe it to be true. I have faith in a Higher Power that loves me.
As for my mom, all I can do is pray for her. And I do. God will handle the rest.
A young friend called asking for advice saying she was full of anxiety and didn’t know what to do. She had fled to her parents’ house after a fight with her husband. I asked whether she had done that before—fled to her parents. Yes, numerous times, she said.
“And does that work? Is it helpful?”
“No.”
“I believe that is the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different outcome.”
She paused, taking that statement in.
“Do you feel unsafe with your husband?” I asked.
“Oh, no,” she said.
And then she figured out on her own what she needed to do, which was to go home and deal with the pain rather than run from it.
Scientists run experiments repeatedly to do just exactly that—to get the same results in order to prove that their theorem is correct. It truly is insanity when we do the same thing over and over hoping for something different to happen.
Finding Clarity
So often we get so close to a thing we can’t see it. I’m glad my friend called me. I could see clearly what the issue was and simply asked her the right questions.
That’s what a good editor does–cuts through the confusion to arrive at clarity. I need one of those. I feel like I’m running in circles with my memoir. Someday, I hope you’ll get to read it. My message is, don’t take what happens to you in life personally. It has no bearing on your value and worth. Your dignity, psyche and heart may be bruised. It takes time to face that pain and sort it out. But running away from pain never works. You must stay in the trenches and deal with it. And then you discover your self-worth is intact.
It takes time to face that pain and sort it out. But running away from pain never works. You must stay in the trenches and deal with it. And then you discover your self-worth is intact.
Attitude adjustments take work and time. If you’ve told yourself “I’m worthless” for years, it may take time to believe otherwise. And then you will know your worth and smile deep down in your soul.
Be patient and gentle with yourself. You’re going to be okay.
