Month: October 2022

The recent lesson of letting go of urgency and the need to act immediately is still sinking in. I realize now my sleeplessness has been caused by this feeling that I need to make things happen, when in fact, I do not control the world. I am powerless over it.

When we fight and fight and fight for something over which we have no control, like whether the horse drinks the water or not is crazy making. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. It’s up to the horse and there a lot of horses out there. I guess I’m looking for the thirsty ones that want my particular brand of water.

The lesson I have learned is to let go and let God. I have done the work (written my memoir), I have planted the seeds. I have put it out there. I’ve been trying to force agents and literary journals to take it. Many have said no thanks. A couple of journals have said yes and have published a chapter or two. Now, I just need to wait and let the process unfold.

My writing isn’t the only area I have felt urgency. I feel urgency lots and lots of times during the day. I’m meditating and the thought pops into my head that it’s been nearly two weeks and we still don’t have the lab results from the blood tests on our pup. I need to stop meditating and write myself a note so I don’t forget.

No, I don’t.

I need to relax and meditate, sit in silence and stillness. The lab results will come. Or the thought will occur to me when I’m not meditating, and I can call the vet then. I need to let go and let God over and over again. It’s a constant refrain throughout my day. It allows me to relax. And sleep.

In spite of our best efforts to work our programs and lean on God's guidance, we sometimes don't understand what's going on in our life. We trust, wait, pray, listen to people, listen to ourselves, and the answer still does not come.

During those times, we need to understand that we are right where we need to be, even though that place may feel awkward and uncomfortable. Our life does have purpose and direction.

"The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie, p. 70

Asking for help has always been difficult for me. When I was little and asked for help, my mother often said in a strident tone “Stop bothering me, Polly!” Because of that common response, rather than ask for help I would wait for help to come. Often help never arrived and I learned to fend for myself.

Even today I feel anxious about asking for help. Rather than ask for help directly I hint that I need help hoping that someone (like my husband) will come to my rescue saying ‘I’ll do that,’ or, ‘Would you like me to do that for you?’ Or if I do ask for help and someone says okay, but then doesn’t act immediately I grow anxious and do the said thing on my own, upsetting the person whose help I requested.

Urgency, panic even, is my modus operandi. It’s taken me a while to learn the hard lesson that there is virtue in waiting and being patient. Is that hard for you, too? For me it is a huge challenge!

A dear friend of mine recently did a rune reading for me. I chose a three-rune reading: Overview, Challenge, Action. My question had to do with my constant urge to act and the trouble it causes. The  rune I drew for the Overview was Sowelu, meaning wholeness. “Seeking after wholeness is the Spiritual Warrior’s quest….Practice the art of doing without doing. Aim yourself truly and then maintain your aim without manipulative effort.”

Ah.

Then I drew Eihwaz, which signifies my challenge. “If there appears to be an obstacle in your path, consider that even a delay may prove beneficial. Do not be overly eager to press forward.”

Oh, such difficult words for one who is addicted to action!

“Receiving Eihwaz, you are put on notice that through inconvenience and discomfort, growth is promoted. This will be a trying time… wait on the Will of Heaven.”

Oh, God.

And finally, the third rune I drew represents Action. What action do I undertake to absorb these lessons? The rune I drew was Isa, or standstill. Don’t you love it! I must do nothing! My action phase is inaction! And that’s why this is my Challenge!

“Be patient, for this is the period of gestation that proceeds a rebirth….A chill wind is reaching you over the ice floes of old outmoded habits.” Those old habits of impulsively acting out of panic and anxiety. “At such a time, you cannot hope to rely on help or friendly support. And yet there is no reason for anxiety. Submit and be still…”

!

And so, dear ones, this is what I am learning to do—to be still, to do nothing. To simply be, to let go and let God, a slogan I have always loved, yet perhaps have forgotten of late. This is an opportunity to let those words sink into my bones at the cellular level.

Does any of this resonate with you too?

"Just as winter is a time for going within, drawing Isa can announce a time of restoration and renewal at the deepest level. In your solitude, exercise caution and do not stubbornly persist in attempting to work your will. Remain mindful that the seed of the new is present in the shell of the old, the seed of unrealized potential, the seed of the good. "

The Book of Runes by Ralph Blum

Why did God allow humans to evolve?

Neil deGrasse Tyson wrote: “If the Football field were a timeline of the 14-billion year old Universe, with the Big Bang at one end, then at the other end, the width of a single blade of grass spans 30,000 years of human history, from Cro-Magnon to the present.”

Seen from this perspective we’ve barely begun to evolve. This gives me hope because it means we are merely babes. We mess things up and have terrible tantrums. We may yet get it right if we don’t destroy ourselves first.

A spark of divinity lies within us that makes us humans capable of compassion and grace, of loving peacefulness and magnanimity, forgiveness, tolerance, forbearance. It must be divinity that gives us these capabilities because Nature is not peaceful and we humans are of Nature; we are evolved from it. Anyone who’s watched nature documentaries knows that Nature is violent. Watching a cougar take down an antelope is horrifying, or witnessing an eland buck off a lion. Terrifying. That’s what we humans do on a larger scale. Russia. Ukraine. Criminal. Victim.

However, we are not animals. We don’t need to kill each other to survive. We can choose differently because we have options. We have that divine spark urging us to evolve into angelic beings.

How come elephants are vegetarians? Dolphins are not predators but seals prey on penguins. Lambs, sheep, goats, horses – these are not predatory animals. Raptors are predatory; robins are not. Certain human individuals are predatory as are certain nations. We organize ourselves into predatory armies. And yet some nations like Tibet have no armies.

Maybe there’s hope yet for this human experiment. It seems like all hell is breaking loose. Again. The Holocaust. Hiroshima. Nagasaki. The long history of subjugation of so many peoples. Are we getting worse or better? Our evolution is certainly uneven, but still, I have hope.

It’s the old Biblical story of Sodom and Gomorrah – two cities destroyed for their wickedness. Humans have always come back. Two steps forward, one step back. As long as we’re not taking one step forward, two steps back there is hope. I believe we’re in the one step back phase. Or is it two? Maybe we’ll hit bottom, then make a huge leap forward when all of a sudden we come to our senses and fall to our knees.

Who knows? Not me. But I can hope and pray and remain grateful for this Earth and Universe and all her gilded treasures.  I look to my own spiritual evolution. That is all I can do. That is all any of us can do. Maybe collectively that’ll mean enough to make a difference and save ourselves.

God created me and desires me to celebrate all that I am and all that Life is. The old messages that I am nobody, not good enough or that I need to be small and quiet no longer serve me. I am a child born of the Great Mother’s joy and love. I celebrate Her great gift that is me and all that She wants me to enjoy. I revel in her blessings with a grateful, brimming heart.

Once upon a time I behaved impulsively, selfishly, and rudely. I used to believe those behaviors defined my soul, but they didn’t. I am a divine child, but one that was also damaged and hurt by those I loved and trusted. Through the years I have addressed that deep pain and trauma. I have fully embraced my humanity and all the hurt that it encompasses. Not denying it or ignoring it. I believe that is a necessary step in claiming our divinity.

Jesus didn’t walk away from the cross saying forget this. He went through it, accepted it. Only then could he claim his true divinity. We must do the same to claim ours, bear our crosses, bear the pain, the agony. Face it head on, preferably within a trustworthy, vulnerable community of others doing the same sacred work. Whether that is within a religious community, psychotherapy group, or Twelve-Step program matters not. For me, it’s been all of the above. Divinity shines within us when we do the work of facing our demons, demonstrating to ourselves we are courageous, brave souls brimming with compassion and empathy both for ourselves and others.

For me that has been key – being brave and vulnerable with others. Revealing my dirt. Everyone has that humbling substance in a variety of forms. Those things we keep hidden and are ashamed of needn’t define us. In a community of people who keep our secrets sacred and share their own, we learn we are not so different from one another. We learn to stand tall and turn our faces to the bright warm sun without shame.

"[I]f we start using altruism as a way to boost our sense of self, this becomes a trap. A little reality-based humility can be useful in tempering the need for approval and appreciation."
--Joan Halifax, "Standing at the Edge" p.30.