Month: February 2021

What if, during prayer and meditation, you could collapse the sense of “I” with not knowing who “I” is?

Why not just let go of the “I” and instead be content with, “No idea.”

Because otherwise, we could stay stuck in thoughts like these ones I had a few years ago:

“I doubt my self-worth; I doubt my goodness. I fear something is rotten in me, something mean and ugly, and it frightens me because I fear I am powerless over it—that I have no control over it. It’s how I feel when I become drained; I have nothing left, no patience, no control, and I want to lash out at something, anything—the stupid earbuds that get tangled up in my scarf, or my dog who won’t stop barking, or the person budging in, trying to squeeze ahead of me on the exit ramp when I have waited so patiently in line. These angry spots in my heart are dark splotches that frighten me; my humanness and imperfections disturb me. I don’t want to be mean, horrible, and ugly, and yet, that’s what I fear most because I’ve seen so much of it in other people. I don’t want to be that way myself, but sometimes I worry that there is a part of me that’s still in there hiding somewhere—a mean, ugly part and so I am afraid to admit my faults—my character defects, but they are there, a part of me, and I am powerless over them.”

Yikes!

Oh, dear heart, worry not. You are fine, and you are glorious, and you are lovely, particularly because there is no “I,” only ME, GOD.

The River of God

All is change in the world of the senses,

But changeless is the supreme Lord of Love.

Meditate on her, be absorbed in her,

Wake up from this dream of separateness.

Know God and all fetters will fall away.

No longer identifying yourself

With the body, go beyond birth and death.

Know her to be enshrined within your heart

Always. Truly there is nothing more

To know in life. Meditate and realize

The world is filled with the presence of God….

–The Shvetashvatara Upanishad

I have eight spirit guides in my meditation circle. I started with seven and then invited one more. I sit with these spirit guides, my dearest friends, in prayer and meditation every day. Usually, I go to their space, which is always a fire circle. But today, I imagined them standing before me life-sized. In my bedroom.

“If I open my eyes, will I see you?” I asked. “Is that how real You are?”

“Go ahead, Polly. Open your eyes. We will be here.”

“Will I see you?”

“Open your eyes, Polly.”

I opened my eyes.

What I saw with my knowing heart was Their Presence, standing before me—Archangel Michael, large, glorious and golden filling my room; Mother Mary, sitting on my cedar chest; Her Son next to her, who approached me and took my hand; Persephone, who was in one corner by my husband’s dresser and the next moment by the window; Mother Earth, ancient and STRONG, so incredibly resilient like a vibrant oak; Aphrodite, who resides in a sumptuous apartment, a luxurious lair that travels with her, is part of her and where I have visited for health, guidance, rest, and recovery; Balance, standing tall, stolid, and silent, my patron of meditation; Athena, standing next to her, shifting between masculine and feminine, warrior and woman, protector and sister.

“We are always here, Polly,” they said, “even when your eyes are open.”

Altering my perception to see these spirit guides with my eyes open in my everyday awake setting is a revolution in my perception of life. I feel their calm, devoted, and loving attention and presence. No matter what I do, what I think, nothing “steals” from this presence.

Today, I did a yoga practice on YouTube where the teacher said our thoughts about the past and future steal from the present moment. That is impossible. The present moment is here always, is all that there is. Our thoughts can’t steal from it. That is impossible. However, our thoughts steal from our awareness of the Present, so we are only partially aware of it.

My spirit guides are always here in the Present with me. But I often ignore them. That is my choice. Or my habit. I choose to change my habit of ignoring their presence. I choose to transform my awareness always to be present with them.

May it be so. And so mote it be.

An excerpt from Chapter 3, “The Practice of Grateful Living, Stop. Look. Go,” from Wake Up Grateful, The Transformative Practice of Taking Nothing for Granted, by Kristi Nelson

“Many of us need to cultivate reliable methods and practices to connect with or reinvigorate grateful awareness when it is not readily accessible. Cultivation harnesses the energy of our intentions. Just as we can cultivate a bountiful flower or vegetable garden, so too can we cultivate qualities in our lives we desire and that will serve our lives. What we nourish with our attention will nourish us in return.” –page 43

Someone gave me cruel and heartless feedback on a project I had submitted for critique. Perhaps this person thought she was just honest. Or maybe funny in a caustic way, but I felt pierced through the heart as if with an arrow. Immediately I felt angry, resentful, ashamed, hurt. I wanted to strike out and say, “How dare you? What is wrong with you? Don’t you see the cruelty in your words?” I considered calling her to tell her how her words affected me, to keep my reaction in “I” statements, not “you” statements. “I felt hurt by this statement,” etc.

I prayed about it and realized I didn’t need to take any action at that moment. I asked God, “Why did you bring this person into my life? What lesson do you want me to learn?” And then I bowed to God and to this person, this teacher, who may not realize she is my teacher, but is, and I said, “Thank you for showing me the cruelty and impulsivity I embody.”

For isn’t it often the case that the people who bother us the most, who get under our skin and irritate us, are the ones who reflect the very same traits in ourselves?

I learned many attitudes as a child that I now consider hurtful, negative attributes that I don’t like in myself, and yet in some ways enjoy indulging in. Sometimes I enjoy being mean and spiteful. And then God ushers someone into my life with those same characteristics, and, voila, I am attuned to them in myself and see how hurtful they can be. And so I bow and say thank you, and I never hope again to engage in such behaviors if I can help it.

So instead of calling this woman and saying your words hurt me, I apologized for my behaviors when giving feedback that may have caused pain and discouraged someone rather than encouraged them.

I am aware of my part and how I will conduct myself in the future. I don’t need to make a decision right now whether I will respond to this person one-on-one. Being aware of the dynamics and having made my amends for my behavior is all I need at the moment.

An excerpt from the poem “Checkmate” by Rumi

“…A certain preacher always prays long and with enthusiasm

for thieves and muggers that attack people

on the street. “Let your mercy, O Lord,

cover their insolence.”

He doesn’t pray for the good,

But only for the blatantly cruel.

Why is this? his congregation asks.

“Because they have done me such generous favors.

Every time I turn back towards the things they want.

I run into them, they beat me, and leave me nearly dead

in the road, and I understand, again, that what they want

is not what I want. They keep me on the spiritual path.

That’s why I honor them and pray for them.”

Those that make you return, for whatever reason,

to God’s solitude, be grateful to them….”

From “The Essential Rumi” translated by Coleman Barks

Watercolor by Polly, 5/2/1975

“We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

I’m sure you’ve heard this saying many times. I have confirmation from my 20-year-old self that this assertion is true.

When I was 20, I was mixed up, unhappy, insecure, and self-centered. At least, that’s how I remember myself as being. I suffered for years with insecurities and self-doubt. And yet, at age 20, I was able to write something like this:

“These times grow difficult; one can’t see the light for fear of knowing the truth. But we all see that light because it beats in our hearts. So many times, people confuse themselves with their human images. Why? It is a useless pain and does not help us. I wish we, I wish I, could see that light within at all times and proclaim it joyously. Yet I hold back for fear of getting clobbered. Jesus went all out, to be honest, and loving. He saw the light in everything and became that light by being its qualities. Perhaps Jesus, too, was afraid. Indeed, he got clobbered, but he could see how worthwhile it was not to hold back.

“History is a story of truthfulness, not the written past, but the history of being, the history that is. A person’s experience is true to him or herself. Whether or not fear blinds us, the light within changes us and shapes us into walking landscapes, panoramas of trauma or tranquility. We are patchworks of angelic qualities. Our lives are gifted by heaven, by the universe.

“Continuity—the flow of life. It cannot be stopped. It matters not what I say here, drifting from thought to thought, the flow and unity of words carry on.”

Today, I see myself as having two consciousnesses—my angelic, spiritual, eternal one, who I truly am, and my human experience self, my ego-self. Early in my life, I identified with the ego-self, while the angelic self was a significant presence. Slowly, the human-experience self took over, and I forgot the heavenly, spiritual self. I identified solely with the trauma of my personal story. Now, I need not take my human experience so seriously as I remember my angelic, spiritual self. Still, I have compassion for my brothers and sisters and pray for an end of all suffering and the root of all suffering. But as far as my grief is concerned, I can see that it is rooted in my ego. Today, it is that spiritual self I wish to identify with and to leave my suffering and self-doubts behind.

“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.”
― T. S. Eliot, Four Quartets